Tammy

I haven't written in my blog for a while.  To be perfectly honest, I'm still processing what's been happening.  A lot has transpired within the last month. Let me try to sort it out.

The third week of August, we finally had an appointment with a physician, Dr. Abell, at the University Hospital in Jackson, MS.  He has been working with patients just like me for ever 40 years!  After our consult, he ranked me a 9 on severity on a 1-10 scale, which actually made me feel validated.  It wasn't in my head, and apparently I'm not a wimp either.  I really am sick.  After a series of tests, he put in a temporary stomach pacemaker, an invention of his own design.  It works just like a heart pacemaker, and it is intended to regulate the rhythm of my stomach.  (we found out that the rhythm of my stomach is extremely off beat! haha) The temporary had "sensors" so to speak attached to the walls of my stomach, and the pacemaker was dangling from my neck in a pouch.  All of these machinery was connected by over 5 feet of blue wire, most of which was hanging out of my nose.  Needless to say that I didn't go much anywhere until that thing was removed!  Unfortunately, the pacemaker did not produce the desired results as I continued to throw up.  Dr. Abell suspects that I may have an underlying autoimmune disease causing my severe nausea.  So he sent us to a neurologist that is a member of his team, and now Dr. Veta ran more tests.  His were much more unpleasant.  My personal favorite is what my family calls the "taser test" because that's what was used to test the nerve responses in my hands, legs, and feet, nothing more than a fancy taser.  I even had a burn on my leg from that test!  He required more bloodwork so he could run more specific tests. 

We are currently waiting for the results. I honestly feel like I am in some sort of limbo land.  We have nothing to do, but sit and wait until we get the results back, and we meet with Dr. Abell again.  While I was in the hospital, we met another lady with similar symptoms to me.  her name is Tammy Briggs.  She's been suffering with her condition for 10 years.  She also cannot eat, and instead of throwing her food up, the food will not pass, causing it to build in the stomach.  This is extremely painful for her.  I can relate.  It felt good to meet someone like me.  She just called me.  She had the permanent pacemaker put in Monday.  The recovery from the surgery is very painful.  But she was calling to see how I was doing, and if I had any questions she could ask the doctors about.  After I hung up with her, I started crying.  I want nothing else, just for her to get better.

I'm still trying to process how I feel about everything.  I just don't know.  I can't describe my emotions, so I react by burying myself deep in Troy's school work and lesson plans for the children.  I can feel myself running out of energy.  But I'm scared that if I ever slow down, I'll get depressed because I don't know what lies in my future.  I truly feel that I will never be rid of this disease, but I hope that God provides a way for me to make it through each day.  He's done good so far.  I know He's here with me on both the bad days and good.  I hope that I remain true to His Word, and I hope He gives me the courage to face my fears and emotions head on so that my spirit can heal. I love this verse in Job, "Shall we just accept the good from God and not the adversity?"  That is true for me, and all of us.  I tend to only want to take the good days to praise God's name, but I don't want to take the bad.  This verse has reminded me that God is ALWAYS there right by my side during the times when I'm too sick to move.  During those times I need to be more like Job, and praise His name rather than focus on self-pity.  I pray that I can glorify His name, even though I am not worthy!

(on a much lighter note: my parents, through God, bought me a 2011 Limited Hyundai Tuscon last week!!! I LOVE it so much! I feel both safe and comfortable in it! I intend to drive it until the wheels fall off!)

Buckets

Today was my first day at Troy, and I am stressed! Between buying books, parking, and doing online assignments when the internet is down, I am wiped.  I have also been given the responsibility of managing my own classroom in the Extended Day Program this year.  I have a classroom of unruly kindergarteners and no furniture.  I haven't been able to sleep well in a couple of weeks because of my illness, and I can feel the weight of the world slowly squishing me into a nauseated pulp.  I cry because I'm exhausted, sick, and frustrated.  In order to counter the weight of it all, I hit the books.

I have just started a new book for my quiet time with God.  It's called Holding on to Hope.  It follows the life of Job, a man to whom I can sort of relate.  Today's chapter was perfectly titled Tears, and I would like to share what's on my heart.

I think we expect faith to make things hurt less, but it doesn't.  Our faith gives us an incredible amount of strength and encouragement, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

Put into words like that I finally realize that when I feel the hurt of being sick, it doesn't mean 

that my faith is any weaker. It simply means that I am human, and feeling the physical frustration

of this illness. My faith was designed to be a shield around my emotions, to deflect any harm crossing

my path. No, it was designed to shield that unconditional belief in God, to draw strength from

His Word and to trust Him no matter what. It's okay to feel hurt, but not to lose faith.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then shaved his head and fell before God.

Job 1:20

I think too often I cry in secret and carry my bucket of tears around with me. I don't share my

burden. I'm afraid to inconvenience anyone, plus I'm so stubborn that I want to try to get through

this alone. So I put on my happy face and pretend that everything is okay. A lot of times, it's not.

I have learned that I need to share my buckets with those who care because the burden of the load

has worn me out and weakened my faith. God has blessed me with a wonderful family who would

like to carry a bucket every once in a while when I need it the most. Openly unloading the buckets

of tears like Job is actually part of the healing process. God wants us to share our burdens with

fellow Christians, and likewise carry buckets from others. It's part of working together in the body

of Christ.

I am excited about continuing this study on Job. I want to learn to cope in a way that blesses God.

I'm holding on to hope, and I will never, ever let go.

Thank you, God, for your blessings upon me! You have already spoken to me through this study

and I am thankful to You for that. Help me to keep my faith strong by understanding that tears are

part of the healing process, and that it's okay to share my buckets with others, especially You.

By unloading my buckets onto You, I am showing You that I trust You to help carry my burden, and

that You know what to do, not me! Thank you for the children in my new classroom! I m looking

forward to a wonderful year! Teach them through me. Show me how to minister to each and every

one. Thank you for the strength to drive to Troy everyday. Help me to be a witness on this new campus!

I love you!

A Silversmith in the Storm

I had two affirming messages from God yesterday.  Well I suppose it was just one message plus confirmation.  It was about what do when life is the "pits" (Psalm 40:1-3). Life since we've been back from our summer trip has been tough, and not just because I miss the mountains.  I've been sicker than normal.  I face more severe nausea (which I can't believe is possible), intense back pain, horrible swelling in my abdomen, and relentless hunger for food.  It sounds dramatic, but it's true.  If I've ever come close to giving up, it may be now.  I'm so tired of doctors.  I've figured out that I'm in this medical limbo where I'm too sick to function normally, but too well to show up unusual by clinical standards.  I think that is what is the toughest for me.  I fight an invisible disease everyday, and I know it's there, though no one can see it to help me.  I often hear, "You certainly don't look sick," or even, "Hey, wanna grab a bite! You don't have to eat! Just hang out while we do," right after sharing my testimony.  It feels like no one understands the pain I'm going through, because it is very real. I put on my mask so well that no one knows how I want to throw up while sitting in class, or how I think & dream about food every minute of every day, or how I spend sleepless nights in the recliner week after week.  No one knows that when I suddenly walk out of the room, it's to sit down & have a good cry before I can face people again.  If friends & family don't fully understand this, how can a science based medical doctor know this? All he can do is read my chart & say, "I don't know what's causing this.  Your results are normal." I've given up on doctors and ever finding a cure.  I believe that this is going to be my life, and that thought scares me.

God knows what I'm feeling.  In fact, He knows me so well that he knew my doubts before me, and He brought them to my attention yesterday t church.  I've learned that even of you feel like you can't go to service, make yourself anyway & expect to hear from God, it has always worked for me.  Last night, I got to hear the mostly Godly man I know preach, my dad.  He read Mark 4:35-41, and explained how Jesus called the storm while the disciples were fearing for their lives.  He openly shared how my illness distresses him as a father, and how he is in the midst of a storm.  He also reminded me of how to relate storms to a silversmith.  In order to purify silver, he must heat it, and let the impurities rise to the surface so that he can rake them off.  He repeats this process over and over again until he sees a perfect reflection of himself in the silver.  The heat itself must be just right; if it's too cool, the silver will harden, & if it's to hot, the silver will ruin.  While I'm in this storm, Christ is increasing the intensity or heat so that He can remove any impurities.  I feel like He's removing my doubt so that my faith with not be hindered.  I am eternally grateful to Him for that because I will have  better relationship with Him as a result. God is my silversmith, I hope He continues to purify me when I go through storms so that I will strengthened in my walk with Him.  For the rest of my life, I pray that I have the strength to endure the heat so that I may die one day resembling Jesus.

Restoration

Anyone who doesn't believe in God obviously has never been to the mountains.  You can see His majestic work in their snow-capped peaks.  You can feel His peace in the open, green valleys.  You can sense His power in the movement of the rivers. 

My family (including Gatlin) and I just returned from a nine day trip out West.  We flew into Rapid City, South Dakota and proceeded to visit parts of Montana, Yellowstone, and the Grand Teton National Parks in Wyoming.  One of the highlights of my trip was attending the Fourth of July Powwow on the Northern Cheyenne Reservation in Lame Deer, Montana.  I really wanted to witness this event for further guidance on understanding what God's plans are for my life.  Seeing the children in their native regalia was confirmation enough for me!  I am certain that God wants me to teach the children on this reservation, but I am still uncertain how He wants me to go about it.  Does He want me to teach summers only? Or perhaps be there all year long? And if so, will I retire there?  So many unanswered questions, as always.  I have learned that when it comes to God, be patient.  He likes to reveal His plan one piece at a time, so that the puzzle can only be solved when everything fits together perfectly.

Kids and critters, God knows what I love.  On our trip we saw: a pack of wolves, a grizzly bear, a black bear, plenty of buffalo, bull elk, 3 moose, at least 9 bald eagles, and lots of big-eared mule deer!  I took an abundance of pictures!  The beauty of the landscape, however, can never truly be captured.

This trip was EXACTLY what I needed.  I needed restoration.  My soul was weak and weary, and this experience was the pick-me-up that I hungered for.  I feel more at peace, and I feel that I have something to look forward to.  Before my trip, everyday I would think with exhaustion "I have such a long life ahead of me.  I long life of battling this illness, and I'm already tired." God gave me the rest I needed.  He allowed me to go away with my family for a few days to my haven, Montana.  I feel refreshed, still sick, but I don't feel as emotionally tired. Although I may need a vacation from my vacation, I had way too much fun!

Thank you, God, for allowing us to take this trip! Thank you for keeping us safe and giving us such a good time! I can't wait to go back!!! Give me guidance on the next step to take regarding the Northern Cheyenne.  I want to be obedient to Your word.  I love You, and thank you for Your endless blessings!

Naomi

God works in mysterious ways, but not always. Sometimes He's just out in the open, wanting you to see what He has in store for you. Today God was out in the open, obvious, for me. For several long days, I have been sicker than usual. I'm intensely nauseated that I can't function. It keeps me up at night, and I spend lots of painful hours trapped in my bathroom. I cry each day and curl up in a little tight ball, hoping that sleep will finally overcome the suffering so I can get some brief relief. I'm discouraged and I needed God to send me encouragement more tangible than a verse.

As always, God knows my every need. He hears each tear that falls. He knows how frail my heart is, the pain I'm in. He, indeed, knows me all too well.

I'd spent the past couple of hours in my bathroom, curled up by "Jon," and was in desperate need of some fresh air. As soon as Mom came home from work, she agreed to accompany me on a bike ride through our neighborhood. She had just purchased a bubblegum pink one speed bicycle and was eager to try it out. She looked just like a school girl pedaling down the road, and my spirits were already lifting.

As we continued traveling down a county road, we saw a dog off in the distance. When we approached, we saw that it was a German Shepherd, sprinkled with some other breed. She was a puppy, small, frail, and bony. She also had a wound tracing her backbone. Despite her harsh condition, her sweet, flop-eared face seemed to smile at us.

God knows me all too well. Last summer, when I felt overwhelmed by my illness, God, without warning, sent five kittens to me. The mother gave birth in our hallway and I kept her and the babies in a box under my bed. I would cuddle them when I was ill. I kept one kitten, Rascal, who was the most defective of them all, with her numb of a tail. She knows about my condition and lays by my side nearly every time I throw up. That was God.

God knows that when I'm down, I need to focus my energy in something. Children and animals speak to me the most. School's out, so God had to choose the latter. Seeing the puppy starving, I immediately could relate. I didn't have to ask permission to bring her home, Mom knew what I wanted. I named her Naomi, for "my people shall be her people."

Naomi has eaten a good meal, and has had plenty to drink. She's safe and loved. She's a gift to me from God. God wanted me to know that even though I am sick and suffering, there is hope for me. Even though Naomi has been dealt a bad hand, she wags her tail and hopes for the best. I was reminded that I need to persevere, and never lose hope. Even though she is sick now, Naomi will get better. I am thankful to God for sending me Naomi, she's just the encouragement I needed. When I'm feeling sick, I can focus on getting Naomi better. Thank you, God, for knowing me and listening to my prayers. You know just how to keep me on my feet!

Note: Upon further review, it had been noted that Naomi is not a girl, but a boy instead. His name is Raylan, and he is an official member of the Collier household. He is doing much better, though he may have a scar on his back reminding both us & him the situation from which God delivered him.

Word of God Speak

It's been a while since I have been able to blog, mostly because when you live out in the boondocks you have to take what you can get with the available high-speed internet. I've had a l0t on my mind, and no good way to actually express my feelings with words. However, I will give it my best shot.

I feel like I'm getting worse and worse, which makes me feel rather lethargic, a fact which I am ashamed to say. I really just wanna stay in my pjs, curl up in my recliner bed, and watch pointless tv. I hate that I feel this way because my grandmamas get out in their yards and work no matter how they feel. If they're tough, then maybe I'm not. I'm simply tired. I'm not giving up, but I'm not trying either. I'm at a standstill. That's a yucky position to be in, especially spiritually.

Lately, I've been too sick to sleep, let alone stay asleep, so I've had some long nights really some extra pointless tv. However, one late night, I decided to confront my idleness. And I was honest with God. Since my internet was down ,I journaled: God feels a million miles away from me. But I know that it's me that's moved, not God. I haven't talked to him in a while, I honestly don't know what to say to Him. I'm so sick and tired, and I just don't know what to say. But I want to restore my relationship with Him; I must get it right.
God, speak to me again! I don't know what to do without You! I want You to be the one to guide my steps, to direct my path. I am nothing, but You, You are everything!

I keep trying to make this illness all about me. It's not. It's about what God can do through me. I get discouraged because maintaining a relationship with God is difficult, especially when I wanna do is, well, nothing. But I need to speak to God, and use His strength rather than my own to survive. He's my Provider, He'll give me exactly what I need.

I've learned a lot through my sleepless nights, and not just that there's nothing good on at 3 in the morning. God's up at 3 right along with me, He never sleeps, and He never leaves me. Instead of self-soothing, I need to rest in the comforting arms of my Heavenly Father, let Him carry my burden a while. I have found that the best way to lighten my load and find encouragement is through His Word. I have found several verses that help keep me close to God.

Discouragement
Sometimes I feel discouraged, with me, with God, with my situations. Here is some hope to help overcome this feeling.

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember Your kindness.
Psalm 42:6

Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again-my savior and my God!
Psalm 42:5

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I am holding you by your right hand-I, the Lord God. And I say to you, 'Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.'
Isaiah 41:13 (I love the image of God holding my hand when I read this passage.)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For out momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out-weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Perseverance
To pesevere by definition means to constantly refuse to give up or let go in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose. Ooh! I love that definition. That's why I named this blog "Perseverance," I refuse to give up. These verses encourage my refusal.

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
James 1:2-4 (This excites me! My trials, as long as I am patient with God and persevere, will mold me into the likeness of Christ!)

But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.
Psalm 37:7 (This simple verse has helped me to realize that when God does not answer my prayers, I must be patient and persitent. I will continue to seek Him and wait for Him to show up.)

Writing and organizing my thoughts in this blog helps to heal my spirit and recognize God in the midst of my despair. God has everything under control. I will maintain my faith in who He is, and know that as long as I persevere I will make it through this, hopefully more like Christ.

Finding the Purpose in Mosquitos

I wish that we didn't have to eat to live.  I mean like about all the problems that would end if we simply took food out of the picture.  There would be no more world hunger, no more babies with empty tummies, certainly no more obesity, and definitely no more digestive problems.  What if we could just live totally off air? Or better yet, what if feeding on the Word of God fed our earthly bodies as well? Unfortunately that wasn't part of His Master Plan, and something tells me that He's much better at creating the world than I could ever be.  It's just like when I was little, and covered with itchy mosquito bites, would say, "What is a mosquito's purpose anyway? They don't do anything! Except bite everybody and make 'em scratch!" Mom would remind me that birds, along with spiders and frogs, eat mosquitos for dinner, and if God never made them, it would mess the balance of life for them up. Although still feeling like those critters could just adjust their menus, I suppose she has a point.  In a lot of ways, I feel like my illness is similar to a pesky mosquito: it's seemingly pointless, frustrating, and much like that insect, I wanna pop after I eat.

The popping after I eat is what is really discouraging to me.  For almost 2 weeks, my stomach swells so much that I look like I could be 5 to 6 months pregnant.  The pain and discomfort of my protruding abdomen can be unbearable at times, (that's my inner weenie talking), and when the swelling goes down I have all this sagging excess skin hanging around, waiting to be filled once again.  Okay pesky mosquito, what is your purpose?! Typing this now my stomach is so swollen, the pain makes me want to scream! I can live with being nauseated everyday, but not this too, not on top of everything else. I wish He could just make it go away! And He will, I know without ANY doubt, I just may not be thrilled with His timing.

I think what I struggle with the most is the hunger, the food appeal.  I swear that I have the eating habits of a teenage boy! I eat all the time, and it's whatever I can get my hands on. I think it's instinctive. I see food, my body says, "You need it. Eat. All. Now." And so I eat like I'm starving, which sometimes I am.  But I enter a vicious cycle of eat, throw up, eat, throw up, with a lot of miserables along the way. Sometimes I just want to try a strictly liquid diet and just add protein powder and vitamins in the mix, but my body won't let me! I feel so helpless.  I get SO tired of hanging my head over a toilet everyday.  I have estimated that over the past year and 2 months I have spent well over 500 hours throwing up. I have not been blessed with a quick and wonderful gag reflex, and sometimes my conversations with "jon" take anywhere from 30 min to an hour, and I can have up to 3 or 4 separate conversations in one bad day.  I tend to have more bad days than good. I wish I didn't have to eat then maybe I wouldn't have to throw up.  I can cope with being nauseated everyday. But dreaming about it, smelling it, seeing it on tvs & countertops sure makes food of any kind hard to resist.  And the constant hunger pains remind me of just how desperate I am for it. Not a moment seems to go by that I don't think of food, and dreading the fact of what just a few bites can do.

Remember, this blog is a way for me to vent my frustrations, I'm really not a pessimist.  Believe it or not, I'm actually happy. But I'm also very sick, and it seems to define my whole life. It defines my mood, my diet, my activities, my relationships, my struggles.  It's amazing what a little nausea can do to your life.  In what I've said, I've noticed one big mistake, I've let the illness define my life rather than Christ.  It should be Christ I dwell on, and Him that I center my life around. God, forgive my weakness! Help me to overcome the pain in my life, and teach me to let You be my focus rather than my illness. I'm honest when I say that this is extremely easier said than done. When my stomach is this swollen and I've been vomiting for an hour, I admit that my thoughts don't turn to God, but rather my miserable situation and a nap. God, thank You so much for pointing out my short comings.  I humbly and earnestly ask for You to point out the right path for me to take.  I need Your strength to turn my battered thoughts to beautiful meditations of You.  God, help me! I need Your help to get through tonight.  Help me to fight the "mosquitos" in my life so that I can see their purpose! Thank You for allowing this illness into my life so that it may sharpen me spiritually. Now I ask that You aid me in carrying this load.  I want You to be the center of my life.

Struggles

I'm up past my bedtime, as always, with a lot on my mind.  Lately I have been struggling with my illness, which is nothing new, but it's been more difficult on me for some reason.  Probably because I'm getting a little worse.  My latest symptom is severe pain everywhere as well as skin sensitivity everywhere.  My toes hurt, my scalp hurts, I think that even my pinky hurts,  a rather accurate exaggeration.  It's discouraging, but I don't think that is the main reason that I'm struggling. 

I'm angry and that's why I'm struggling.  I'm not mad at God, never.  He's my Deliverer in all this.  No that's not why I'm angry....I think I'm angry at myself.  So angry in fact that it makes my blood boil and I wanna scream just like a heated kettle on a stove.  I feel like all I do is cry and complain.  I feel that my illness is not that severe, that I'm just being dramatic.  There are people my age with cancer and debilitating diseases, and here I am, crying about feeling bad.  Granted, it's a miserable feeling, but I'm functioning.  I continue to work, go to school, make good grades, do chores, shop, go to the movies.  I mean, why can't I stop crying?!

I'm angry because I feel like I am not strong enough.  I'm not strong enough to smile when I'm sick or put a brave face on for my parents.  I'm ashamed at just how weak I really am.  Sounds like my pride is angry because it has been hurt. I'm the only sick one in my family; my great-grandmother can out work me.  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.  I'm angry with myself, with my weakness, my complaints, my tears.  I feel like they are not justified.

I'm trying to remember if I cried this much when I was better.....I don't actually remember what I was like before I was sick.  This whole illness has redefined my entire life.  But I do remember that I was always sensitive, I mean the first time I ever saw Meet the Parents I cried because I felt bad for Ben Stiller's character!  So maybe I'd cry the same amount if I was better, I'm just a sensitive soul. But what about my complaints?  I'd like to think I wasn't much of a complainer, but then again, I really don't remember, and neither does my mom.  I do remember that I was always healthy, never sick, and never nauseated.  Hmm...I wonder what that felt like.  I can't remember.

I guess I don't want to go back in time 3 years and not be sick.  Then I wouldn't know as much as I do now.  But I am worn out, unjustly so I feel.  I guess really and truly I want God to be proud of me.  I want him to be proud of the way I'm handling this illness, that I'm learning all that He teaches me.  But I honestly don't feel that way.  Many times I don't feel Him at all, probably because of my stupid self-reliance rather than my God-reliance.

God, I need Your help so bad.  I feel like a lost fish struggling in the net of discouragement and disappointment.  God, I am so disappointed with myself, with my pessimistic attitude and with my selfish tears.  I know that crying is a way that You allow our emotional wounds to heal.  Help me to recognize those wounds in others though, so that I may shed tears from prayer and compassion for them, rather than focusing all of that energy on me.  I hope you are not too terribly disappointed in me.  I just need to rely on You, which I confess is easier said than done.  Help me to truly understand how to rely on You so that I can really trust Your will and Your ways.  Help me to be strong for my family, and give them more strength than You give me, they deserve it.  Thank You for listening to my rants as well as my prayers.  You are everything I need.  I know that.  Now help me to live that, everyday.  I love You, God.  Thank You for all Your blessings.

A Dedicated Fan

My students are knee-deep in baseball season. Every afternoon they seem to either have a game or practice one, and then the next day they are eager to report back to me how well they played. They always ask me the same question, "Miss Stephanie, can you come to my game?" Of course, they tend to invite me the day of their game and so with that little warning I usually am not prepared to go.

However, Monday afternoon when a group of my little boys begged me to come, saying that the game was on a field just next to the school, and that it started at 6 so I could go straight there from work, I consented. I decided on a whim, despite pressing homework, to attend their game.
And might I say that kindergarten and first-graders are mighty cute swinging their bats, sliding into bases, and trying to catch fly balls. I cheered for my 5 boys that were playing, and after the game I recieved huge hugs and "did you see"s!

There my work was done. I finally attended thier game, and I wouldn't have to worry myself with making another one, or so I thought. The very next day, another boy asked me if I could come to his game that night. Unlike the other kids, he played on a little league team in a neighboring city, which is alomost 30 minutes away. I get tired easily, and I came to work sicker than normal. I knew I wouldn't have the stength. " I just don't know if I can..."

"Please, Miss Stephanie," he asked.  Well that did it. This particular little boy is an energetic first-grader who comes from a broken home. There for a while his dad was unable to even pick him up from Extended Day because of the restraining order against him. He is sweet, but gives the teachers several discipline problems. His language and demeanor is not often like that of a seven year old boy. However, he always adresses me with "yes ma'm," and he cries easily. It seems that sometimes he just is a little lost in the world.

When I saw the look in his face when he asked, I knew that I should go to his game, no matter how bad I felt. For him, I would go. I wanted to let him know that I would be there for him, and that he could count on me. "Okay, I think I can make it. But I'm just gonna let you know that I intend to yell real loud for you, and I might embarrass you in front of all your teammates."

He smiled and said, "Ah! Miss Stephanie!"

Gatlin, who very generously agreed to go with me, and I made to the game right before it started. His grandfather, who usually picks this little boy up, waved at us and let us sit with them. His mom looked at me and said, "The first thing he said when he saw me was that Miss Stephanie was going to try to come to his game. You're all he's been talking about. Let me go tell him you're here." She walked over to the dugout, whispered in his ear, and his face lit up as I saw him scanning the bleachers for me. I smiled and waved, already comforted to know that I had made the right choice in coming.

He played a great game. He hit a homerun, caught several outs, and ran like cheetah around the bases. He's going to grow up to be an amazing ball player. I probably will never know how much it meant to him to have me there. With all the inconsistencies in his life, right now for him I am a constant, someone he can trust to keep their word. I went to the game extremely sick, but as soon as I continued to cheer for him, I felt a divine peace come over me.

My prayer is that I never stop being obedient to the God's plans just because I don't feel well, which is really easy to do. Just because I have an illness doesn't mean that God can't use me, and I hope that I never have that attitude. Thank you, God, for this child. I hope that I will always be there to support him in any way that I can, despite what I am going through. Thank you for using me when it seems that I am unusable and worthless. I hope that I am receptive to whatever else you may ask me to do.

Happy (Belated) Easter!!

Easter is my favorite day. It is the ultimate symbol of hope. I honsetly have a hard time comprehending the magnitude of what Christ did for me, for all of us on the cross. I try my best, but I am just incapable of understanding that kind of selfless love. It's the kind of love I try to grasp so that I can model it in all of my relationships, most of all my relationship with Christ himself. I fall short as always, but because of His death in my place on Calvary, He takes me just as I am. For that I want Him to have all of me, at my best, yet even that isn't good enough.

But that's not why Easter is so important. Christ is alive today and that is why we celebrate; that is why we have hope. If He had not risen, He wouldn't have accomplished anything more than a noble deed. By conquering Death, Hell, and the Grave, He proved His power and love for us. I love Easter for all it represents. Thank you, Jesus for what You did for me.

Easter was a great day emotionally for me. I went to church in a totally cute Easter dress, and came home and spent the day with my immediate family. Even at age 20, I still hunt eggs. (But hey, they have money in them so you would too!) The Easter Bunny (Gatlin) gave me four baby ducks that have also helped me to battle my illness. Easter gave me the much needed hope in my life! I am eternally grateful to Christ for what He has done for me!

3 Year Anniversary Festivities

I must say that it has been quite the week.  Sunday, March 21, 2010 marked the third anniversary of our ("Jon" and me) nauseating relationship.  I have to admit that we celebrated with a bang.  Sunday afternoon I suffered from severe abdominal pain and overwhelming nausea, so I spent most of the day huddled in the bathroom.  (Sorry Jon, I didn't get you anything.)  I'm ashamed to say that if Satan seized this opportunity to deflate my optimism, his sharp blade of hopeless worked on me. 

For the rest of the week, I have been trying to recover, but all I seem to do is mope or complain because the nausea is so bad.  I even found myself frustrated with God, the only One who will always be there for me and help me through this hard time.  Gee Steff, that was smart.  When I went to the dentist Monday to check out the damage the acid from vomiting had done to my teeth, we discovered that no damage had been done whatsoever.  They were in perfect condition!  But instead of praising God for His divine protection, I found myself questioning His plan.  "God, if you are protecting my body from the damage of this illness, then why not just cure me all together!  Why do I have to still be sick?"

I'll admit, I was mad with Him.  How foolish I am!  I'm surprised God just doesn't jerk a knot in me!  I know I would if I were Him.  However, He chose to speak through Gatlin by saying, "Well I'd rather have some protection then none at all."  Hmm...you got me there, God.  I was too busy looking at the misery of my situation to look at the miracles in my situation.  God has been protecting me.  He has never left me, and will never leave me.  I just have to learn to both trust and accept His mysterious plan for my life.  One of my biggest mistakes that I made this week was allowing anger and hopelessness to enter my mind when all I had to do was replace those feelings with God's peace and hope by simply reading His work and talking to Him in prayer.

Oh God, don't let me focus on my suffering ever again!  Help me to clearly see the work you have done in my life through this illness so that I may instead focus on that.  Thank you for Your perfect patience and understanding with me!  Please forgive me God, for ever doubting Your will.  I  know now without a doubt that You know exactly what is best for me and I trust completely that Your plan will be fulfilled in me so long as I stay out of Your way.  Thank you for allowing me to continue this spiritual refining process, don't give up on me yet!  I love you, Lord.  Thank you!

Just a Word of Thankful Praise

The past couple of weeks, I have been in what I like to call a health rut.  I feel sicker than normal, which I'm afraid makes less of joy to be around since the illness tends to put me in my vegetative state.  However, today, though I am still physically sick, I feel more than a fruit than a vegetable! :-)  Christ referred to a tree (me) planted by water (the Word of God) would bear fruit.  These fruits can be patience, perseverance, compassion, self-control, peace, joy, and more.  I am thriving on peace today.  The sun is shining and my toes are out, and I can feel my burdens melting away.  Though I feel sicker than ever, I know God has me right in the palm of His hand.  I so grateful that He has given me this internal peace and strength to continue each day.

I honestly don't think that I could survive this illness without my parents.  I can't sleep in my bed at night due to the overwhelming nausea, so I have to sleep in the recliner in the den.  Last night my parents argued over which one would sleep on the couch in the room with me so I wouldn't be alone.  Almost every night that I have to sleep in the chair, Mom or Dad is right there with me.  They sacrifice so much for me, and I know that the love they have for me comes directly from the Heavenly Father.  I can't ever thank God enough for the wonderful family He has given me.

I am also thankful for Christopher Gatlin Carnley.  He has stood by me truly through thick or thin.  It seems sometimes that he spends more time lying and waiting outside my bathroom door than having fun with me.  His nurturing nature comforts me when I'm down, and his great sense of humor keeps me smiling.

God has given me more than I can ever ask for in the people He has surrounded me with.  Thank you, Father, for blessing me with caring family and friends!  Thank you for the much needed warm sunshine today!  I can never thank you enough.  Even though I am not worthy, take me, all of me, and use me for Your glory!  I love you, Lord!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was my 20th birthday!  As my cousin says, I'm officially out of the nursery!  Birthdays have always been a big deal in my family.  We love to celebrate, well anything!  So I have been counting down the days to my birthday celebration since the beginning of the month.  I've even gone elementary in telling my college classmates to "Guess what?! My birthday's this Friday!"

However, when I woke up this morning I didn't feel like a 20 year old should, unless they're more nauseated than I've been told.  Yep, it was my special day, and I felt as sick as a dog.  And when I get extremely sick, I tend to be really still and quite, kinda like a vegetable, maybe like broccoli or spinach, they're nauseating enough.  So my poor parents wished me a happy birthday and all I could honestly do was smile a thanks.

Pretty soon it was time to get ready for work, and I was beginning to debate whether or not I should even go, but I knew seeing the kids would be good for my morale.  And I'm so glad I did.  My mom and grandmother brought a beautiful teacher themed cake up to the school to share with my students.  We had a mini party in the classroom, and the kids sang to me, gave me more hugs and love than I could almost stand!  One of my first grade girls said, "Miss Stephanie, this is one of the best parties I have ever been to!  Thank you for bringing your cake and sharing it with us."  I had to agree with her, it was one of the best parties I had ever been to as well.  Not because of a fancy cake, decorations, games, or gifts (because their weren't any), but because of the love that was in the celebration.

Although I was disappointed that I didn't necessarily feel up to celebrating 20 years of life, I am certainly grateful to God that He has given them to me.  I know that it was because of Him that I had such a good time at the party today, I could feel Him in the room amongst the kids.  I am forever thankful for those students and for loving parents!  So Happy 20th Birthday to me!

My God is Good All the Time

I am exhausted.  But this time, it's because I had such a wonderful day!  Last week my spirits were down, and I cried out to God for help and hope.  As always, He doesn't answer me right away like I want Him too, but waits for His perfect timing.  Three days later, I was miraculously bubbly and chipper! I was no less sicker, but my spirit was being restored, just as I had asked.

I went further and asked my God if He could let me know somehow that He was there for me.  I wanted to feel something tangible.  Today, He answered my prayer.  It snowed close to 5 inches in Elba, Alabama!  My dad woke me up at 7:00 and there was this beautiful, white miracle outside my window!  Snow has always been important to me, and I'm not sure why.  I guess because it's a rare phenomenon here in South Alabama.  But I think it is really because there is something heavenly about watching snow fall.  

I couldn't help but squeal in delight when I saw the glistening blanket covering our land!  Each snowflake that touched me felt like a small kiss from God, letting me know He cared. I couldn't stop thanking God for this glorious gift!  I couldn't stop smiling all day; my spirit is healed and I feel renewed.

I spent the rest of the day with family making a giant snowman, engaging in a snowball fight, aiding in building a snow fort, sledding and surfing through the snow blanket, and trying to capture this day with my camera.  I had just a blessed day, and I felt the presence of God in every part of it.

God, thank you for answering my prayer in such an unexpected way! I am grateful that you gave me the patience to wait for You.  Thank you so so so much for mending my broken spirit!  You are such an amazingly wonderful Father!  I pray that this relationship that we have now will not fade!  Please hold me accountable so that I will not drift from Your ways.  Continue to guide me!  Thank you for loving me even though I am unlovable!  Thank you God, for I have learned that You do answer prayers in Your perfect time!

Dear God

I'm sick.  Not to state the obvious, but I'm really sick.  It's 4:00, and I should be at work.  But I just can't make it.  I'm getting worse.  I can feel it.  I dry-heaved so hard the past couple of days that my nose bled.  When I pray for the vomiting to stop, Lord, that's not exactly what I had in mind.  The nausea keeps me awake at night, and I'm sore from sleeping upright in my dad's recliner.  I'm physically and mentally tired.  Even my bones seem heavy.  One of my main motivations for toughing it out each day is being able to work with the kids each day.  It gives me purpose.  But now as I am becoming sicker, work is becoming harder for me to manage.  Being unable to work today has been an emotional straw that has broken my spirit's back.  I need God.

Dear God, 

You are everything, and I am nothing.  I need you more than ever.  I'm so tired, God!  The stress of the sickness is leading me to despair.  I want so much to glorify Your name, but I feel like I don't have the energy.  That's no excuse, I know, but I'm just being honest.  I need Your help, God.  It's YOU who gets me through the day, and it's YOU I want to live for.  You alone are my strength, and I ask that You bless me with that strength.  Give me the courage to praise Your wonderful name when I am down; equip me with a spirit that can always proclaim, "It is well with my soul!" even the circumstances seem to disagree.  Lord, please forgive my weakness! I don't want to become  fair-weather Christian that worships only in calm waters.  Inspire me, God, to shout to You, to love You, to praise You when I am shipwrecked in an untamed sea!  I want to live for You, and You alone, God.  You are all I'll ever need.  If I am never healed, I will be okay, because I have You.  Thank you for hearing me! It comforts me to know that You are there.  I ask, dear God, that when I have days like today, when the life is overwhelming, that You wrap me in Your arms, and please God, never let go!  I need Your encouragement.  Sometimes I just wish that I could walk to Your throne, and crawl up into Your heavenly lap.  You are such a gracious Father!  Thank you for all the blessings You have given me so freely!  I don't deserve to have a Father as perfectly wonderful as You!  Thank you for saving me so that we can always be together!  Shine upon me!  Give me Your strength so that I can carry on Your will!  Thank you, Lord, for this burden I bear, I have learned so much about You through this illness!  I am more than thankful for the experience of knowing You better.  Enable my family and I to persevere through this disease so that Your name can be praised!  Just tell me what to do, God.  I live only for You.

Your humble, grateful, and loving daughter,

Stephanie

When Life Sucks, Count Your Blessings for It is Well with My Soul

Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair.  Sometimes it just plain sucks.  I think, well actually I know, everyone at some point has a what I like to call a "sucky day," and gets melodramatic by wishing for an immediate, though not painful, death.  Life can be hard, stressful, sad, and unjust.

I've been experiencing the harshness of life, though am trying my best to face each day with a smile, am finding myself being a little melodramatic.  I am starving.  It amazes me how I can be both nauseated and hungry at the same time.  To be hungry, knowing that when I eat I will throw up, just doesn't seem fair to me.  Sometimes I wonder where God's mercy is.  The hunger pains overwhelm me so that I eat, throw up, eat and throw up,  in hopes that I might at least reach a balance for at least a moment. It's been a sucky day.  I have a lot of those it seems. I'm too sick to go out with friends and too tired it seems to be the best daughter.  I feel isolated.  Even God feels out of reach.

When life becomes unbearable, I find myself thinking of two songs, "Count Your Blessing" and "It is Well with My Soul."  The first song comes to my mind when I am at the end of my rope and unable to summon the smallest smile.  When you have a sucky day, do just as the song suggests, count your blessings.  So that's exactly what I do: 1. my supportive parents 2. my neighboring grandmothers 3. my job working with the kids 4. an understanding boyfriend 5. financial stability 6. wonderful and healthy family 7. loving and praying churches 8. friends to laugh with 9. animals to play with......the list can truly go on and on, those few are just what came to mind within a few seconds.  The blessings in my life always outweigh the bad, and that's when I see the grace and mercy that God has provided.  The truth is God NEVER gives you more than you can bear; it says so in His Word.  

The second song was written by a man who lost his entire family to a sunken ship.  In fact, he wrote the song in the very place that the died.  Have you ever listened to the words? "When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well with my soul, it is well with my soul". That gives me chill bumps.  When you have a good, decent, or sucky day, it should be well with your soul.  Be thankful for what you have, focus on your blessings rather than your hurts, and everything will truly be well with your soul.  To God be the Glory.

Unanswered

Yesterday, I heard what I've heard several times before, the simple yet piercing words, "I don't know."  Even though they have been said by every doctor, the meaning of these words shatter any hope of a cure for me.

I had another appointment with the surgeon and he suggested that I have an EGD to spot the source of my ongoing problem.  (An EGD is where the surgeon runs a tiny light/camera that scopes your esophagus and stomach.  I'd had one in 2007, but because it had been  close to three years since that procedure, we were hoping to see the mechanical evidence of progression.)

Yesterday, was that procedure.  I expected for everything to turn out normal, everything always does in my case.  But there's still that hope that my condition will at least be diagnosed.

When I awakened from the procedure, I, in a daze, heard the surgeon explain that he found nothing to explain my condition.  In fact he discovered that despite my vomiting everyday for a year, there was not even a trace of any acid irritation to be found.  He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and simply said, "I don't know.  There's nothing else that I know to do."

As soon as he left the room, I turned my head away from my parents and cried uncontrollably. I have prayed for three years for at least an answer to my undiagnosed illness, but the only answer I ever receive is "normal" and "I don't know".  How can chronic nausea and vomiting be normal?  To science and doctors, my body shows no sign of the illness other than weight loss. But even that isn't terribly severe.  Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head.  But after each thirty minute bout with vomiting, I know that can't be the case.  Why doesn't God just tell me what's wrong?  I'm not even praying for a cure any more, just a name to my nameless disease.

Yesterday, I revealed my frustrations to God.  And over the course of several hours, He revealed some wisdom to me.  Trusting God doesn't require explanations and answers on His part because then I would be exercising my faith in Him.  Faith is taking that step even when you can't see the ground in front of you.  What if there is no ground?  What if I fall?  These doubts are okay to feel, but don't let them hold you back.  Trust God to lead you were there is ground and to catch you when you fall.  The fact the science cannot find the impact this disease has had on my in my body is evidence of God's protection over me.  God wants me to see that He alone is the Great Physician, and that He has me in the palm of His hand.  He is using my undiagnosed illness to refine me, strengthen me, and for so many more reasons that I cannot imagine.  Though I don't always like God's current plan for my life, I will continue to trust Him and walk on unseen ground.  Answers aren't want I need, but rather acceptance of His will.

My Latest Adventure

Well I have officially recovered from my first surgery!  I had exploratory surgery last week, which is fun to tell people because so impressive.  I have always been an admirer of battle scars, those infamous wounds awarded from scraped knees, sports injuries, or just plain clumsy accidents.  Exploratory surgery sounded like it would award my with a very nice scar to show off. Or so I thought. 

My surgeon explained the procedure to me like this: "Okay, what we're going to do is cut a small incision in your belly button and insert a camera to poke around and take pictures to see if we can spot the problem." (At this juncture, we were all determined that is was my gallbladder acting the fool.) 

"Sounds good, Doc," I said. "Do you think I'll be able to go to work that afternoon?" I LOVE going to work.  I LOVE being a teacher.  It gives me so much purpose, plus nothing beats some good hugs from some sweet students when I'm having a bad day.  I never want to miss an opportunity to teach.

"Umm..sure.  I think so.  It really will just depend on how you feel.  Just don't let the kids hug you too hard," he replied.

So two days later, I was in the most attractive, oversized hospital gown, wearing nothing but my birthday suit on one of the coldest days of the season.  Lovely mental image huh? At least I had shaved my legs.

After a couple of attempts to insert an IV into my very coldly contracted veins, I was ready to go.  The last thing I remember before I was officially out of this world, was laying on a cold table because no one knows how to crank up the heat like I do apparently, and looking at the light above me.  I was at peace. No biggie. God's got everything under control.

I woke up, or at least attempted to, several times back in my hospital room.  Wow..my shoulder was killing me.  See, Doc left out a lil detail about the procedure; it seems they fill you up with some sort of gas so they can see better and what not, but the gas has to escape the body somehow.  And why the gas has to choose the shoulder as an escape route when there are so many other portholes so readily available still remains a mystery to me.

In pain, but anxious to leave so I could go hope, I change out of my lovely attire into my civilian clothes.  During this process, I noticed a large rectangular bandage covering my entire stomach. Huh. Must have been quite the lofty procedure. My pain is justified.

As soon as I arrived home, I suffered from some minor suffocation as that cursed gas traveled to my chest and made inhalation unbearable.  The darn stuff kept me from my kids for two days!  That and the fact that I had this monstrous bandage on my belly.  And whatever it was covering, was extremely sore.

A couple of days later, I am so excited to remove that huge bandage so that I could witness the carnage beneath it.  See, my inner kids was aching for an impressive battle scar.  I quickly peel it off to reveal to small holes, one in my belly button as promised and one a little higher up, both only 2 stitches long.  That's it..I'm officially a weenie.  I was ashamed to complain about any pain anymore.  Those pathetic holes would be forgotten a week after removal.  Dang.

Haha! My family and I have laughed about that since the unveiling. God has a sense of humor, and He wants you to smile as part of your healing process.  As usual, the surgery showed no glimmer of a problem and so I'm left once again without any answers.  However, God has the diagnosis to my undiagnosed illness, and I know that if He choses to reveal it to the physicians it will be in perfect timing, not too late.  Trust God no matter what you're going through.  Even when all odds are against you, keep the faith.  And never forget to exercise that sense of humor. Laugh as often as you can, it will get you through the day.

Can't Believe that My Blog Made It to Facebook

Haha! I totally wrote this blog really late one night intending to delete it the next day! Somehow it made it to facebook, which just shows how technologically challenged I am! :-)  I truly appreciate the support that from those who have read it! Since it's already out there, I guess it's too late to delete it now!

I hope that in continuing this blog the trials I have been through will help someone else out there.  Everyone has their own storms in their life.  An undiagnosed illness is mine.  I once read, "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."  I can't express how true that is.  In order to overcome any battles in your life, you must not simply ride the storm out, but rather find a way to persevere through it.

Many days I don't ever won't to be cured of this illness because I have learned so much by experiencing this!  In a way, that's how you need to approach storms in your life.  Count your blessings even while your boat is being rocked, praise God even though you're seasick, seek after righteousness even when you can't see your way.  

One of my new favorite Bible verses is "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they will be filled." Matthew 5:7  God was able to use my situation to bring this verse home to me.  See I know what it's like to be so hungry your stomach painfully cramps, and so dehydrated after throwing up.  That is the word picture that the disciples were trying to paint.  The best thing about this verse is that one day, I will be full.  No matter what you're going through hunger and thirst after God like never before and you will be filled in His perfect time!