Finding the Purpose in Mosquitos

I wish that we didn't have to eat to live.  I mean like about all the problems that would end if we simply took food out of the picture.  There would be no more world hunger, no more babies with empty tummies, certainly no more obesity, and definitely no more digestive problems.  What if we could just live totally off air? Or better yet, what if feeding on the Word of God fed our earthly bodies as well? Unfortunately that wasn't part of His Master Plan, and something tells me that He's much better at creating the world than I could ever be.  It's just like when I was little, and covered with itchy mosquito bites, would say, "What is a mosquito's purpose anyway? They don't do anything! Except bite everybody and make 'em scratch!" Mom would remind me that birds, along with spiders and frogs, eat mosquitos for dinner, and if God never made them, it would mess the balance of life for them up. Although still feeling like those critters could just adjust their menus, I suppose she has a point.  In a lot of ways, I feel like my illness is similar to a pesky mosquito: it's seemingly pointless, frustrating, and much like that insect, I wanna pop after I eat.

The popping after I eat is what is really discouraging to me.  For almost 2 weeks, my stomach swells so much that I look like I could be 5 to 6 months pregnant.  The pain and discomfort of my protruding abdomen can be unbearable at times, (that's my inner weenie talking), and when the swelling goes down I have all this sagging excess skin hanging around, waiting to be filled once again.  Okay pesky mosquito, what is your purpose?! Typing this now my stomach is so swollen, the pain makes me want to scream! I can live with being nauseated everyday, but not this too, not on top of everything else. I wish He could just make it go away! And He will, I know without ANY doubt, I just may not be thrilled with His timing.

I think what I struggle with the most is the hunger, the food appeal.  I swear that I have the eating habits of a teenage boy! I eat all the time, and it's whatever I can get my hands on. I think it's instinctive. I see food, my body says, "You need it. Eat. All. Now." And so I eat like I'm starving, which sometimes I am.  But I enter a vicious cycle of eat, throw up, eat, throw up, with a lot of miserables along the way. Sometimes I just want to try a strictly liquid diet and just add protein powder and vitamins in the mix, but my body won't let me! I feel so helpless.  I get SO tired of hanging my head over a toilet everyday.  I have estimated that over the past year and 2 months I have spent well over 500 hours throwing up. I have not been blessed with a quick and wonderful gag reflex, and sometimes my conversations with "jon" take anywhere from 30 min to an hour, and I can have up to 3 or 4 separate conversations in one bad day.  I tend to have more bad days than good. I wish I didn't have to eat then maybe I wouldn't have to throw up.  I can cope with being nauseated everyday. But dreaming about it, smelling it, seeing it on tvs & countertops sure makes food of any kind hard to resist.  And the constant hunger pains remind me of just how desperate I am for it. Not a moment seems to go by that I don't think of food, and dreading the fact of what just a few bites can do.

Remember, this blog is a way for me to vent my frustrations, I'm really not a pessimist.  Believe it or not, I'm actually happy. But I'm also very sick, and it seems to define my whole life. It defines my mood, my diet, my activities, my relationships, my struggles.  It's amazing what a little nausea can do to your life.  In what I've said, I've noticed one big mistake, I've let the illness define my life rather than Christ.  It should be Christ I dwell on, and Him that I center my life around. God, forgive my weakness! Help me to overcome the pain in my life, and teach me to let You be my focus rather than my illness. I'm honest when I say that this is extremely easier said than done. When my stomach is this swollen and I've been vomiting for an hour, I admit that my thoughts don't turn to God, but rather my miserable situation and a nap. God, thank You so much for pointing out my short comings.  I humbly and earnestly ask for You to point out the right path for me to take.  I need Your strength to turn my battered thoughts to beautiful meditations of You.  God, help me! I need Your help to get through tonight.  Help me to fight the "mosquitos" in my life so that I can see their purpose! Thank You for allowing this illness into my life so that it may sharpen me spiritually. Now I ask that You aid me in carrying this load.  I want You to be the center of my life.