Struggles

I'm up past my bedtime, as always, with a lot on my mind.  Lately I have been struggling with my illness, which is nothing new, but it's been more difficult on me for some reason.  Probably because I'm getting a little worse.  My latest symptom is severe pain everywhere as well as skin sensitivity everywhere.  My toes hurt, my scalp hurts, I think that even my pinky hurts,  a rather accurate exaggeration.  It's discouraging, but I don't think that is the main reason that I'm struggling. 

I'm angry and that's why I'm struggling.  I'm not mad at God, never.  He's my Deliverer in all this.  No that's not why I'm angry....I think I'm angry at myself.  So angry in fact that it makes my blood boil and I wanna scream just like a heated kettle on a stove.  I feel like all I do is cry and complain.  I feel that my illness is not that severe, that I'm just being dramatic.  There are people my age with cancer and debilitating diseases, and here I am, crying about feeling bad.  Granted, it's a miserable feeling, but I'm functioning.  I continue to work, go to school, make good grades, do chores, shop, go to the movies.  I mean, why can't I stop crying?!

I'm angry because I feel like I am not strong enough.  I'm not strong enough to smile when I'm sick or put a brave face on for my parents.  I'm ashamed at just how weak I really am.  Sounds like my pride is angry because it has been hurt. I'm the only sick one in my family; my great-grandmother can out work me.  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.  I'm angry with myself, with my weakness, my complaints, my tears.  I feel like they are not justified.

I'm trying to remember if I cried this much when I was better.....I don't actually remember what I was like before I was sick.  This whole illness has redefined my entire life.  But I do remember that I was always sensitive, I mean the first time I ever saw Meet the Parents I cried because I felt bad for Ben Stiller's character!  So maybe I'd cry the same amount if I was better, I'm just a sensitive soul. But what about my complaints?  I'd like to think I wasn't much of a complainer, but then again, I really don't remember, and neither does my mom.  I do remember that I was always healthy, never sick, and never nauseated.  Hmm...I wonder what that felt like.  I can't remember.

I guess I don't want to go back in time 3 years and not be sick.  Then I wouldn't know as much as I do now.  But I am worn out, unjustly so I feel.  I guess really and truly I want God to be proud of me.  I want him to be proud of the way I'm handling this illness, that I'm learning all that He teaches me.  But I honestly don't feel that way.  Many times I don't feel Him at all, probably because of my stupid self-reliance rather than my God-reliance.

God, I need Your help so bad.  I feel like a lost fish struggling in the net of discouragement and disappointment.  God, I am so disappointed with myself, with my pessimistic attitude and with my selfish tears.  I know that crying is a way that You allow our emotional wounds to heal.  Help me to recognize those wounds in others though, so that I may shed tears from prayer and compassion for them, rather than focusing all of that energy on me.  I hope you are not too terribly disappointed in me.  I just need to rely on You, which I confess is easier said than done.  Help me to truly understand how to rely on You so that I can really trust Your will and Your ways.  Help me to be strong for my family, and give them more strength than You give me, they deserve it.  Thank You for listening to my rants as well as my prayers.  You are everything I need.  I know that.  Now help me to live that, everyday.  I love You, God.  Thank You for all Your blessings.