Word of God Speak

It's been a while since I have been able to blog, mostly because when you live out in the boondocks you have to take what you can get with the available high-speed internet. I've had a l0t on my mind, and no good way to actually express my feelings with words. However, I will give it my best shot.

I feel like I'm getting worse and worse, which makes me feel rather lethargic, a fact which I am ashamed to say. I really just wanna stay in my pjs, curl up in my recliner bed, and watch pointless tv. I hate that I feel this way because my grandmamas get out in their yards and work no matter how they feel. If they're tough, then maybe I'm not. I'm simply tired. I'm not giving up, but I'm not trying either. I'm at a standstill. That's a yucky position to be in, especially spiritually.

Lately, I've been too sick to sleep, let alone stay asleep, so I've had some long nights really some extra pointless tv. However, one late night, I decided to confront my idleness. And I was honest with God. Since my internet was down ,I journaled: God feels a million miles away from me. But I know that it's me that's moved, not God. I haven't talked to him in a while, I honestly don't know what to say to Him. I'm so sick and tired, and I just don't know what to say. But I want to restore my relationship with Him; I must get it right.
God, speak to me again! I don't know what to do without You! I want You to be the one to guide my steps, to direct my path. I am nothing, but You, You are everything!

I keep trying to make this illness all about me. It's not. It's about what God can do through me. I get discouraged because maintaining a relationship with God is difficult, especially when I wanna do is, well, nothing. But I need to speak to God, and use His strength rather than my own to survive. He's my Provider, He'll give me exactly what I need.

I've learned a lot through my sleepless nights, and not just that there's nothing good on at 3 in the morning. God's up at 3 right along with me, He never sleeps, and He never leaves me. Instead of self-soothing, I need to rest in the comforting arms of my Heavenly Father, let Him carry my burden a while. I have found that the best way to lighten my load and find encouragement is through His Word. I have found several verses that help keep me close to God.

Discouragement
Sometimes I feel discouraged, with me, with God, with my situations. Here is some hope to help overcome this feeling.

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember Your kindness.
Psalm 42:6

Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again-my savior and my God!
Psalm 42:5

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I am holding you by your right hand-I, the Lord God. And I say to you, 'Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.'
Isaiah 41:13 (I love the image of God holding my hand when I read this passage.)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For out momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out-weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Perseverance
To pesevere by definition means to constantly refuse to give up or let go in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose. Ooh! I love that definition. That's why I named this blog "Perseverance," I refuse to give up. These verses encourage my refusal.

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
James 1:2-4 (This excites me! My trials, as long as I am patient with God and persevere, will mold me into the likeness of Christ!)

But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.
Psalm 37:7 (This simple verse has helped me to realize that when God does not answer my prayers, I must be patient and persitent. I will continue to seek Him and wait for Him to show up.)

Writing and organizing my thoughts in this blog helps to heal my spirit and recognize God in the midst of my despair. God has everything under control. I will maintain my faith in who He is, and know that as long as I persevere I will make it through this, hopefully more like Christ.

Finding the Purpose in Mosquitos

I wish that we didn't have to eat to live.  I mean like about all the problems that would end if we simply took food out of the picture.  There would be no more world hunger, no more babies with empty tummies, certainly no more obesity, and definitely no more digestive problems.  What if we could just live totally off air? Or better yet, what if feeding on the Word of God fed our earthly bodies as well? Unfortunately that wasn't part of His Master Plan, and something tells me that He's much better at creating the world than I could ever be.  It's just like when I was little, and covered with itchy mosquito bites, would say, "What is a mosquito's purpose anyway? They don't do anything! Except bite everybody and make 'em scratch!" Mom would remind me that birds, along with spiders and frogs, eat mosquitos for dinner, and if God never made them, it would mess the balance of life for them up. Although still feeling like those critters could just adjust their menus, I suppose she has a point.  In a lot of ways, I feel like my illness is similar to a pesky mosquito: it's seemingly pointless, frustrating, and much like that insect, I wanna pop after I eat.

The popping after I eat is what is really discouraging to me.  For almost 2 weeks, my stomach swells so much that I look like I could be 5 to 6 months pregnant.  The pain and discomfort of my protruding abdomen can be unbearable at times, (that's my inner weenie talking), and when the swelling goes down I have all this sagging excess skin hanging around, waiting to be filled once again.  Okay pesky mosquito, what is your purpose?! Typing this now my stomach is so swollen, the pain makes me want to scream! I can live with being nauseated everyday, but not this too, not on top of everything else. I wish He could just make it go away! And He will, I know without ANY doubt, I just may not be thrilled with His timing.

I think what I struggle with the most is the hunger, the food appeal.  I swear that I have the eating habits of a teenage boy! I eat all the time, and it's whatever I can get my hands on. I think it's instinctive. I see food, my body says, "You need it. Eat. All. Now." And so I eat like I'm starving, which sometimes I am.  But I enter a vicious cycle of eat, throw up, eat, throw up, with a lot of miserables along the way. Sometimes I just want to try a strictly liquid diet and just add protein powder and vitamins in the mix, but my body won't let me! I feel so helpless.  I get SO tired of hanging my head over a toilet everyday.  I have estimated that over the past year and 2 months I have spent well over 500 hours throwing up. I have not been blessed with a quick and wonderful gag reflex, and sometimes my conversations with "jon" take anywhere from 30 min to an hour, and I can have up to 3 or 4 separate conversations in one bad day.  I tend to have more bad days than good. I wish I didn't have to eat then maybe I wouldn't have to throw up.  I can cope with being nauseated everyday. But dreaming about it, smelling it, seeing it on tvs & countertops sure makes food of any kind hard to resist.  And the constant hunger pains remind me of just how desperate I am for it. Not a moment seems to go by that I don't think of food, and dreading the fact of what just a few bites can do.

Remember, this blog is a way for me to vent my frustrations, I'm really not a pessimist.  Believe it or not, I'm actually happy. But I'm also very sick, and it seems to define my whole life. It defines my mood, my diet, my activities, my relationships, my struggles.  It's amazing what a little nausea can do to your life.  In what I've said, I've noticed one big mistake, I've let the illness define my life rather than Christ.  It should be Christ I dwell on, and Him that I center my life around. God, forgive my weakness! Help me to overcome the pain in my life, and teach me to let You be my focus rather than my illness. I'm honest when I say that this is extremely easier said than done. When my stomach is this swollen and I've been vomiting for an hour, I admit that my thoughts don't turn to God, but rather my miserable situation and a nap. God, thank You so much for pointing out my short comings.  I humbly and earnestly ask for You to point out the right path for me to take.  I need Your strength to turn my battered thoughts to beautiful meditations of You.  God, help me! I need Your help to get through tonight.  Help me to fight the "mosquitos" in my life so that I can see their purpose! Thank You for allowing this illness into my life so that it may sharpen me spiritually. Now I ask that You aid me in carrying this load.  I want You to be the center of my life.