I had another appointment with the surgeon and he suggested that I have an EGD to spot the source of my ongoing problem. (An EGD is where the surgeon runs a tiny light/camera that scopes your esophagus and stomach. I'd had one in 2007, but because it had been close to three years since that procedure, we were hoping to see the mechanical evidence of progression.)
Yesterday, was that procedure. I expected for everything to turn out normal, everything always does in my case. But there's still that hope that my condition will at least be diagnosed.
When I awakened from the procedure, I, in a daze, heard the surgeon explain that he found nothing to explain my condition. In fact he discovered that despite my vomiting everyday for a year, there was not even a trace of any acid irritation to be found. He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and simply said, "I don't know. There's nothing else that I know to do."
As soon as he left the room, I turned my head away from my parents and cried uncontrollably. I have prayed for three years for at least an answer to my undiagnosed illness, but the only answer I ever receive is "normal" and "I don't know". How can chronic nausea and vomiting be normal? To science and doctors, my body shows no sign of the illness other than weight loss. But even that isn't terribly severe. Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head. But after each thirty minute bout with vomiting, I know that can't be the case. Why doesn't God just tell me what's wrong? I'm not even praying for a cure any more, just a name to my nameless disease.
Yesterday, I revealed my frustrations to God. And over the course of several hours, He revealed some wisdom to me. Trusting God doesn't require explanations and answers on His part because then I would be exercising my faith in Him. Faith is taking that step even when you can't see the ground in front of you. What if there is no ground? What if I fall? These doubts are okay to feel, but don't let them hold you back. Trust God to lead you were there is ground and to catch you when you fall. The fact the science cannot find the impact this disease has had on my in my body is evidence of God's protection over me. God wants me to see that He alone is the Great Physician, and that He has me in the palm of His hand. He is using my undiagnosed illness to refine me, strengthen me, and for so many more reasons that I cannot imagine. Though I don't always like God's current plan for my life, I will continue to trust Him and walk on unseen ground. Answers aren't want I need, but rather acceptance of His will.
There are many moments in a father's life that he cause him to be so glad God gave him the honor of being a dad. Some of those moments for me included teaching you to walk, showing you how to throw a spiral, helping you learn to bunt left-handed, and teaching you how to drive. But none of those compare to watching you mature spiritually right before my eyes. There have been so many times over the last 3 years that have caused all of us to question why God would allow you to suffer with a chronic illness - particularly one that science cannot identify and therefore cannot treat. In each of those moments you have been able to rise above the confusion and heartache and learn spiritual truths that will serve you the rest of your life. Keep a teachable spirit and a pliable heart as you walk through life - I love you and am so proud God allowed be to be your dad!
ReplyDeleteI hate that you are having to go through this, but I am thrilled that you are allowing God to work in your life in such a powerful way!! It reminds me of when I had a similar situation in college (though not to your degree) and the doctors put me on all kinds of meds and then I didn't have what they thought I did and on and on and on... They never did have an answer for me, but I got better the same way I got sick - just out of the blue. I was never as sick as you, but I believe that God grew me in that time in a new and special way. We will continue to pray for your healing, but you will be eternally grateful for any way you let God use you and speak to you in this time! I pray that the Great Physician does more really cool things in and through you!
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