A Silversmith in the Storm

I had two affirming messages from God yesterday.  Well I suppose it was just one message plus confirmation.  It was about what do when life is the "pits" (Psalm 40:1-3). Life since we've been back from our summer trip has been tough, and not just because I miss the mountains.  I've been sicker than normal.  I face more severe nausea (which I can't believe is possible), intense back pain, horrible swelling in my abdomen, and relentless hunger for food.  It sounds dramatic, but it's true.  If I've ever come close to giving up, it may be now.  I'm so tired of doctors.  I've figured out that I'm in this medical limbo where I'm too sick to function normally, but too well to show up unusual by clinical standards.  I think that is what is the toughest for me.  I fight an invisible disease everyday, and I know it's there, though no one can see it to help me.  I often hear, "You certainly don't look sick," or even, "Hey, wanna grab a bite! You don't have to eat! Just hang out while we do," right after sharing my testimony.  It feels like no one understands the pain I'm going through, because it is very real. I put on my mask so well that no one knows how I want to throw up while sitting in class, or how I think & dream about food every minute of every day, or how I spend sleepless nights in the recliner week after week.  No one knows that when I suddenly walk out of the room, it's to sit down & have a good cry before I can face people again.  If friends & family don't fully understand this, how can a science based medical doctor know this? All he can do is read my chart & say, "I don't know what's causing this.  Your results are normal." I've given up on doctors and ever finding a cure.  I believe that this is going to be my life, and that thought scares me.

God knows what I'm feeling.  In fact, He knows me so well that he knew my doubts before me, and He brought them to my attention yesterday t church.  I've learned that even of you feel like you can't go to service, make yourself anyway & expect to hear from God, it has always worked for me.  Last night, I got to hear the mostly Godly man I know preach, my dad.  He read Mark 4:35-41, and explained how Jesus called the storm while the disciples were fearing for their lives.  He openly shared how my illness distresses him as a father, and how he is in the midst of a storm.  He also reminded me of how to relate storms to a silversmith.  In order to purify silver, he must heat it, and let the impurities rise to the surface so that he can rake them off.  He repeats this process over and over again until he sees a perfect reflection of himself in the silver.  The heat itself must be just right; if it's too cool, the silver will harden, & if it's to hot, the silver will ruin.  While I'm in this storm, Christ is increasing the intensity or heat so that He can remove any impurities.  I feel like He's removing my doubt so that my faith with not be hindered.  I am eternally grateful to Him for that because I will have  better relationship with Him as a result. God is my silversmith, I hope He continues to purify me when I go through storms so that I will strengthened in my walk with Him.  For the rest of my life, I pray that I have the strength to endure the heat so that I may die one day resembling Jesus.