A Dedicated Fan

My students are knee-deep in baseball season. Every afternoon they seem to either have a game or practice one, and then the next day they are eager to report back to me how well they played. They always ask me the same question, "Miss Stephanie, can you come to my game?" Of course, they tend to invite me the day of their game and so with that little warning I usually am not prepared to go.

However, Monday afternoon when a group of my little boys begged me to come, saying that the game was on a field just next to the school, and that it started at 6 so I could go straight there from work, I consented. I decided on a whim, despite pressing homework, to attend their game.
And might I say that kindergarten and first-graders are mighty cute swinging their bats, sliding into bases, and trying to catch fly balls. I cheered for my 5 boys that were playing, and after the game I recieved huge hugs and "did you see"s!

There my work was done. I finally attended thier game, and I wouldn't have to worry myself with making another one, or so I thought. The very next day, another boy asked me if I could come to his game that night. Unlike the other kids, he played on a little league team in a neighboring city, which is alomost 30 minutes away. I get tired easily, and I came to work sicker than normal. I knew I wouldn't have the stength. " I just don't know if I can..."

"Please, Miss Stephanie," he asked.  Well that did it. This particular little boy is an energetic first-grader who comes from a broken home. There for a while his dad was unable to even pick him up from Extended Day because of the restraining order against him. He is sweet, but gives the teachers several discipline problems. His language and demeanor is not often like that of a seven year old boy. However, he always adresses me with "yes ma'm," and he cries easily. It seems that sometimes he just is a little lost in the world.

When I saw the look in his face when he asked, I knew that I should go to his game, no matter how bad I felt. For him, I would go. I wanted to let him know that I would be there for him, and that he could count on me. "Okay, I think I can make it. But I'm just gonna let you know that I intend to yell real loud for you, and I might embarrass you in front of all your teammates."

He smiled and said, "Ah! Miss Stephanie!"

Gatlin, who very generously agreed to go with me, and I made to the game right before it started. His grandfather, who usually picks this little boy up, waved at us and let us sit with them. His mom looked at me and said, "The first thing he said when he saw me was that Miss Stephanie was going to try to come to his game. You're all he's been talking about. Let me go tell him you're here." She walked over to the dugout, whispered in his ear, and his face lit up as I saw him scanning the bleachers for me. I smiled and waved, already comforted to know that I had made the right choice in coming.

He played a great game. He hit a homerun, caught several outs, and ran like cheetah around the bases. He's going to grow up to be an amazing ball player. I probably will never know how much it meant to him to have me there. With all the inconsistencies in his life, right now for him I am a constant, someone he can trust to keep their word. I went to the game extremely sick, but as soon as I continued to cheer for him, I felt a divine peace come over me.

My prayer is that I never stop being obedient to the God's plans just because I don't feel well, which is really easy to do. Just because I have an illness doesn't mean that God can't use me, and I hope that I never have that attitude. Thank you, God, for this child. I hope that I will always be there to support him in any way that I can, despite what I am going through. Thank you for using me when it seems that I am unusable and worthless. I hope that I am receptive to whatever else you may ask me to do.

Happy (Belated) Easter!!

Easter is my favorite day. It is the ultimate symbol of hope. I honsetly have a hard time comprehending the magnitude of what Christ did for me, for all of us on the cross. I try my best, but I am just incapable of understanding that kind of selfless love. It's the kind of love I try to grasp so that I can model it in all of my relationships, most of all my relationship with Christ himself. I fall short as always, but because of His death in my place on Calvary, He takes me just as I am. For that I want Him to have all of me, at my best, yet even that isn't good enough.

But that's not why Easter is so important. Christ is alive today and that is why we celebrate; that is why we have hope. If He had not risen, He wouldn't have accomplished anything more than a noble deed. By conquering Death, Hell, and the Grave, He proved His power and love for us. I love Easter for all it represents. Thank you, Jesus for what You did for me.

Easter was a great day emotionally for me. I went to church in a totally cute Easter dress, and came home and spent the day with my immediate family. Even at age 20, I still hunt eggs. (But hey, they have money in them so you would too!) The Easter Bunny (Gatlin) gave me four baby ducks that have also helped me to battle my illness. Easter gave me the much needed hope in my life! I am eternally grateful to Christ for what He has done for me!

3 Year Anniversary Festivities

I must say that it has been quite the week.  Sunday, March 21, 2010 marked the third anniversary of our ("Jon" and me) nauseating relationship.  I have to admit that we celebrated with a bang.  Sunday afternoon I suffered from severe abdominal pain and overwhelming nausea, so I spent most of the day huddled in the bathroom.  (Sorry Jon, I didn't get you anything.)  I'm ashamed to say that if Satan seized this opportunity to deflate my optimism, his sharp blade of hopeless worked on me. 

For the rest of the week, I have been trying to recover, but all I seem to do is mope or complain because the nausea is so bad.  I even found myself frustrated with God, the only One who will always be there for me and help me through this hard time.  Gee Steff, that was smart.  When I went to the dentist Monday to check out the damage the acid from vomiting had done to my teeth, we discovered that no damage had been done whatsoever.  They were in perfect condition!  But instead of praising God for His divine protection, I found myself questioning His plan.  "God, if you are protecting my body from the damage of this illness, then why not just cure me all together!  Why do I have to still be sick?"

I'll admit, I was mad with Him.  How foolish I am!  I'm surprised God just doesn't jerk a knot in me!  I know I would if I were Him.  However, He chose to speak through Gatlin by saying, "Well I'd rather have some protection then none at all."  Hmm...you got me there, God.  I was too busy looking at the misery of my situation to look at the miracles in my situation.  God has been protecting me.  He has never left me, and will never leave me.  I just have to learn to both trust and accept His mysterious plan for my life.  One of my biggest mistakes that I made this week was allowing anger and hopelessness to enter my mind when all I had to do was replace those feelings with God's peace and hope by simply reading His work and talking to Him in prayer.

Oh God, don't let me focus on my suffering ever again!  Help me to clearly see the work you have done in my life through this illness so that I may instead focus on that.  Thank you for Your perfect patience and understanding with me!  Please forgive me God, for ever doubting Your will.  I  know now without a doubt that You know exactly what is best for me and I trust completely that Your plan will be fulfilled in me so long as I stay out of Your way.  Thank you for allowing me to continue this spiritual refining process, don't give up on me yet!  I love you, Lord.  Thank you!

Just a Word of Thankful Praise

The past couple of weeks, I have been in what I like to call a health rut.  I feel sicker than normal, which I'm afraid makes less of joy to be around since the illness tends to put me in my vegetative state.  However, today, though I am still physically sick, I feel more than a fruit than a vegetable! :-)  Christ referred to a tree (me) planted by water (the Word of God) would bear fruit.  These fruits can be patience, perseverance, compassion, self-control, peace, joy, and more.  I am thriving on peace today.  The sun is shining and my toes are out, and I can feel my burdens melting away.  Though I feel sicker than ever, I know God has me right in the palm of His hand.  I so grateful that He has given me this internal peace and strength to continue each day.

I honestly don't think that I could survive this illness without my parents.  I can't sleep in my bed at night due to the overwhelming nausea, so I have to sleep in the recliner in the den.  Last night my parents argued over which one would sleep on the couch in the room with me so I wouldn't be alone.  Almost every night that I have to sleep in the chair, Mom or Dad is right there with me.  They sacrifice so much for me, and I know that the love they have for me comes directly from the Heavenly Father.  I can't ever thank God enough for the wonderful family He has given me.

I am also thankful for Christopher Gatlin Carnley.  He has stood by me truly through thick or thin.  It seems sometimes that he spends more time lying and waiting outside my bathroom door than having fun with me.  His nurturing nature comforts me when I'm down, and his great sense of humor keeps me smiling.

God has given me more than I can ever ask for in the people He has surrounded me with.  Thank you, Father, for blessing me with caring family and friends!  Thank you for the much needed warm sunshine today!  I can never thank you enough.  Even though I am not worthy, take me, all of me, and use me for Your glory!  I love you, Lord!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was my 20th birthday!  As my cousin says, I'm officially out of the nursery!  Birthdays have always been a big deal in my family.  We love to celebrate, well anything!  So I have been counting down the days to my birthday celebration since the beginning of the month.  I've even gone elementary in telling my college classmates to "Guess what?! My birthday's this Friday!"

However, when I woke up this morning I didn't feel like a 20 year old should, unless they're more nauseated than I've been told.  Yep, it was my special day, and I felt as sick as a dog.  And when I get extremely sick, I tend to be really still and quite, kinda like a vegetable, maybe like broccoli or spinach, they're nauseating enough.  So my poor parents wished me a happy birthday and all I could honestly do was smile a thanks.

Pretty soon it was time to get ready for work, and I was beginning to debate whether or not I should even go, but I knew seeing the kids would be good for my morale.  And I'm so glad I did.  My mom and grandmother brought a beautiful teacher themed cake up to the school to share with my students.  We had a mini party in the classroom, and the kids sang to me, gave me more hugs and love than I could almost stand!  One of my first grade girls said, "Miss Stephanie, this is one of the best parties I have ever been to!  Thank you for bringing your cake and sharing it with us."  I had to agree with her, it was one of the best parties I had ever been to as well.  Not because of a fancy cake, decorations, games, or gifts (because their weren't any), but because of the love that was in the celebration.

Although I was disappointed that I didn't necessarily feel up to celebrating 20 years of life, I am certainly grateful to God that He has given them to me.  I know that it was because of Him that I had such a good time at the party today, I could feel Him in the room amongst the kids.  I am forever thankful for those students and for loving parents!  So Happy 20th Birthday to me!

My God is Good All the Time

I am exhausted.  But this time, it's because I had such a wonderful day!  Last week my spirits were down, and I cried out to God for help and hope.  As always, He doesn't answer me right away like I want Him too, but waits for His perfect timing.  Three days later, I was miraculously bubbly and chipper! I was no less sicker, but my spirit was being restored, just as I had asked.

I went further and asked my God if He could let me know somehow that He was there for me.  I wanted to feel something tangible.  Today, He answered my prayer.  It snowed close to 5 inches in Elba, Alabama!  My dad woke me up at 7:00 and there was this beautiful, white miracle outside my window!  Snow has always been important to me, and I'm not sure why.  I guess because it's a rare phenomenon here in South Alabama.  But I think it is really because there is something heavenly about watching snow fall.  

I couldn't help but squeal in delight when I saw the glistening blanket covering our land!  Each snowflake that touched me felt like a small kiss from God, letting me know He cared. I couldn't stop thanking God for this glorious gift!  I couldn't stop smiling all day; my spirit is healed and I feel renewed.

I spent the rest of the day with family making a giant snowman, engaging in a snowball fight, aiding in building a snow fort, sledding and surfing through the snow blanket, and trying to capture this day with my camera.  I had just a blessed day, and I felt the presence of God in every part of it.

God, thank you for answering my prayer in such an unexpected way! I am grateful that you gave me the patience to wait for You.  Thank you so so so much for mending my broken spirit!  You are such an amazingly wonderful Father!  I pray that this relationship that we have now will not fade!  Please hold me accountable so that I will not drift from Your ways.  Continue to guide me!  Thank you for loving me even though I am unlovable!  Thank you God, for I have learned that You do answer prayers in Your perfect time!

Dear God

I'm sick.  Not to state the obvious, but I'm really sick.  It's 4:00, and I should be at work.  But I just can't make it.  I'm getting worse.  I can feel it.  I dry-heaved so hard the past couple of days that my nose bled.  When I pray for the vomiting to stop, Lord, that's not exactly what I had in mind.  The nausea keeps me awake at night, and I'm sore from sleeping upright in my dad's recliner.  I'm physically and mentally tired.  Even my bones seem heavy.  One of my main motivations for toughing it out each day is being able to work with the kids each day.  It gives me purpose.  But now as I am becoming sicker, work is becoming harder for me to manage.  Being unable to work today has been an emotional straw that has broken my spirit's back.  I need God.

Dear God, 

You are everything, and I am nothing.  I need you more than ever.  I'm so tired, God!  The stress of the sickness is leading me to despair.  I want so much to glorify Your name, but I feel like I don't have the energy.  That's no excuse, I know, but I'm just being honest.  I need Your help, God.  It's YOU who gets me through the day, and it's YOU I want to live for.  You alone are my strength, and I ask that You bless me with that strength.  Give me the courage to praise Your wonderful name when I am down; equip me with a spirit that can always proclaim, "It is well with my soul!" even the circumstances seem to disagree.  Lord, please forgive my weakness! I don't want to become  fair-weather Christian that worships only in calm waters.  Inspire me, God, to shout to You, to love You, to praise You when I am shipwrecked in an untamed sea!  I want to live for You, and You alone, God.  You are all I'll ever need.  If I am never healed, I will be okay, because I have You.  Thank you for hearing me! It comforts me to know that You are there.  I ask, dear God, that when I have days like today, when the life is overwhelming, that You wrap me in Your arms, and please God, never let go!  I need Your encouragement.  Sometimes I just wish that I could walk to Your throne, and crawl up into Your heavenly lap.  You are such a gracious Father!  Thank you for all the blessings You have given me so freely!  I don't deserve to have a Father as perfectly wonderful as You!  Thank you for saving me so that we can always be together!  Shine upon me!  Give me Your strength so that I can carry on Your will!  Thank you, Lord, for this burden I bear, I have learned so much about You through this illness!  I am more than thankful for the experience of knowing You better.  Enable my family and I to persevere through this disease so that Your name can be praised!  Just tell me what to do, God.  I live only for You.

Your humble, grateful, and loving daughter,

Stephanie