Friday, June 10, 2011

Frustrated

Okay God, I'll admit it. Today I am frustrated.  I have stayed up late and poured my heart into these lesson plans for summer school at Zion.  I have worked hard to make sure that they're fun and engaging, and that my kids can learn something new from them.  Teaching is my passion! It's my only escape from this disease. But lately, I can't even escape it at work anymore. The last few weeks of school before summer, I missed numerous days of Extended Day because I felt so bad.  And now this week, I have thrown up everyday in the Kindergarten bathrooms while my students are busy working on something.  And today, I make it to work, and first thing I do is revisit those bathrooms, except this time, I can't keep to stop throwing up. I feel weak and the muscle pain in my stomach from the strain of vomiting makes me walk stooped over.  I couldn't stay today.  God, I had to leave my children.  And to see the worry and disappointment on their faces when they saw I was leaving caused me to cry all the way home.  God, there are some students in my classroom that need me. One boy already suffers from a broken heart because of his family's circumstances, and he was afraid that once I left today, I wouldn't come back.  He tells me that he loves summer school, and that he wants me to always be his teacher.  God, I want to be strong for my kids! They mean everything to me.  They push me to get through each day.  But I'm getting worse.  The illness I have is progressive and incurable. The past several weeks have assured me that I have progressed.  I'm afraid of what that realization means for me, God.  Will it eventually effect my career?  What about my family? I'm talking about getting married.  What kind of wife will I be?  Will I be able to stay strong for my husband or will he have to become my caregiver? And what about if or when I have children?  Will they have to watch their mother miss games or recitals because of the sickness?  God, I'm already exhausted.  I try my best to help out around the house, but I always end up feeling useless and fatigued.  I hate complaining to You like this, but I am honestly scared.  I'm scared of being this sick or worse the rest of my life.  I'm scared I'm going to disappoint You and my family.  God, You and You alone are my strength, and I praise You for getting me through this.  But on days like today, when I throw up so intensely that it seems like it's Death reaching into my body, causing me to vomit out what life I have; it's these days when I need You not to just give me strength, but I need to feel Your arms around me.  I HAVE to know that You're there beside me, comforting me through it all.  I know that You have a plan for me, and that it's perfect.  But some days I just don't honestly want to be a part of it, I just want to give up and quit.  I won't though...because I know that You won't let me.  And I thank You for that.  Thank You for not giving up on me.  I get so frustrated with this disease. I don't sleep because I'm sick and if I can sleep, I suffer from nightmares because I feel so bad.  I can't eat or even drink anything.  And God, it's summertime, I'm so thirsty all the time.  I especially get frustrated with myself for being too sick to talk or work.  God, I hate this disease, but I love and trust You will everything in me.  I know that You will guide me through, I just need Your help knowing what to do.  Keep me brave, God.  Don't ever let me quit being a fighter!  I will praise Your name until the day I die, even more so when I'm sick and dying.

7 comments:

  1. We pour out our miseries
    God just hears a melody
    Beautiful the mess we are
    The honest cries of breaking hearts
    Are better than a Hallelujah


    I love you so much girl!! In our weakness He is strong. I can't wait to see you!

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  2. Hello Stephani,
    My name is Nancy. I am a friend of Jan Hamme, who is a friend of your Aunt Sharon. I have been praying for you since early this year and just recently read your blog posts. not sure how to 'blog'. Face book i sort of understand. I believe God has Good plans for you Stephani.
    ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.Jeremiah 29:11

    Nancy

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  3. oops. My name in Hebrew is Hannah. I guess I used it when I first set up my google profile. sorry for the confusion.
    Nancy

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  4. Steph this is Mrs Chantal Byrd. I just finished reading your blog. My heart aches for you!!! I have a Dr. I want you to see she found out what was wrong with Mrs Bonnie (was church office worker)when NOBODY else could find out what was wrong. I LOVE her she's in Auburn her name is Dr. Karen Mockler her office number is (256)825-9900 I think she's the best doctor in the world!! She is gifted and I really want you to go see her.

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  5. Hi, Stephanie :-)

    I'm a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, in Wisconsin, who has been down for about six months now, health-wise. My doctors and I have been chasing down all sorts of infections, including parasites and lyme disease, and now we found a disk problem in my back that keeps me from being able to sit, stand, walk, lie down... I can vividly imagine your descriptions of not sleeping for pain, and walking hunched over, and exhaustion. Been there!!

    My friend, Jan, just shared something useful with me, on the Prayer of Petition. Jerry Savelle teaches on it, so if you are able to stream something, maybe check this out to see if it's of interest to you.

    Here's a link: http://www.jerrysavelle.org/media/

    Then scroll down to The Prayer of Petition, air date 2/27/2011.

    There are four parts, but you'll be able to tell after the first one whether or not it's interesting to you. I plan to get the book and dig into this a bit more!!

    Well, that's all for now. From one (temporarily!!!) sleepless girl to another, May God Almighty give you, his beloved, sweet sleep. And may His healing be made perfectly manifest in your body, in Jesus' Name!!!

    ~Kim
    Wausau, WI

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  6. Hey my name is Tara. I am your newest follower on your blog site would you be so kind & follow me back it would mean so much to me. Thanks :) Feel free to Like or Follow me on my facebook fan page & my Twitter!!!

    http://taracl2011.blogspot.com/
    http://twitter.com/NicholasMommy07
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/LiveLaughLove/123392547737823

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  7. Good morning, Stephanie. I was a co-worker with your Dad, and admire and respect him a great deal. I am so sorry that your life has been disrupted by this illness. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I will continue to check on you via your postings.

    Julie Best
    Tellico Village, TN

    ReplyDelete