Friday, June 10, 2011
Okay God, I'll admit it. Today I am frustrated. I have stayed up late and poured my heart into these lesson plans for summer school at Zion. I have worked hard to make sure that they're fun and engaging, and that my kids can learn something new from them. Teaching is my passion! It's my only escape from this disease. But lately, I can't even escape it at work anymore. The last few weeks of school before summer, I missed numerous days of Extended Day because I felt so bad. And now this week, I have thrown up everyday in the Kindergarten bathrooms while my students are busy working on something. And today, I make it to work, and first thing I do is revisit those bathrooms, except this time, I can't keep to stop throwing up. I feel weak and the muscle pain in my stomach from the strain of vomiting makes me walk stooped over. I couldn't stay today. God, I had to leave my children. And to see the worry and disappointment on their faces when they saw I was leaving caused me to cry all the way home. God, there are some students in my classroom that need me. One boy already suffers from a broken heart because of his family's circumstances, and he was afraid that once I left today, I wouldn't come back. He tells me that he loves summer school, and that he wants me to always be his teacher. God, I want to be strong for my kids! They mean everything to me. They push me to get through each day. But I'm getting worse. The illness I have is progressive and incurable. The past several weeks have assured me that I have progressed. I'm afraid of what that realization means for me, God. Will it eventually effect my career? What about my family? I'm talking about getting married. What kind of wife will I be? Will I be able to stay strong for my husband or will he have to become my caregiver? And what about if or when I have children? Will they have to watch their mother miss games or recitals because of the sickness? God, I'm already exhausted. I try my best to help out around the house, but I always end up feeling useless and fatigued. I hate complaining to You like this, but I am honestly scared. I'm scared of being this sick or worse the rest of my life. I'm scared I'm going to disappoint You and my family. God, You and You alone are my strength, and I praise You for getting me through this. But on days like today, when I throw up so intensely that it seems like it's Death reaching into my body, causing me to vomit out what life I have; it's these days when I need You not to just give me strength, but I need to feel Your arms around me. I HAVE to know that You're there beside me, comforting me through it all. I know that You have a plan for me, and that it's perfect. But some days I just don't honestly want to be a part of it, I just want to give up and quit. I won't though...because I know that You won't let me. And I thank You for that. Thank You for not giving up on me. I get so frustrated with this disease. I don't sleep because I'm sick and if I can sleep, I suffer from nightmares because I feel so bad. I can't eat or even drink anything. And God, it's summertime, I'm so thirsty all the time. I especially get frustrated with myself for being too sick to talk or work. God, I hate this disease, but I love and trust You will everything in me. I know that You will guide me through, I just need Your help knowing what to do. Keep me brave, God. Don't ever let me quit being a fighter! I will praise Your name until the day I die, even more so when I'm sick and dying.