When Life Sucks, Count Your Blessings for It is Well with My Soul

Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair.  Sometimes it just plain sucks.  I think, well actually I know, everyone at some point has a what I like to call a "sucky day," and gets melodramatic by wishing for an immediate, though not painful, death.  Life can be hard, stressful, sad, and unjust.

I've been experiencing the harshness of life, though am trying my best to face each day with a smile, am finding myself being a little melodramatic.  I am starving.  It amazes me how I can be both nauseated and hungry at the same time.  To be hungry, knowing that when I eat I will throw up, just doesn't seem fair to me.  Sometimes I wonder where God's mercy is.  The hunger pains overwhelm me so that I eat, throw up, eat and throw up,  in hopes that I might at least reach a balance for at least a moment. It's been a sucky day.  I have a lot of those it seems. I'm too sick to go out with friends and too tired it seems to be the best daughter.  I feel isolated.  Even God feels out of reach.

When life becomes unbearable, I find myself thinking of two songs, "Count Your Blessing" and "It is Well with My Soul."  The first song comes to my mind when I am at the end of my rope and unable to summon the smallest smile.  When you have a sucky day, do just as the song suggests, count your blessings.  So that's exactly what I do: 1. my supportive parents 2. my neighboring grandmothers 3. my job working with the kids 4. an understanding boyfriend 5. financial stability 6. wonderful and healthy family 7. loving and praying churches 8. friends to laugh with 9. animals to play with......the list can truly go on and on, those few are just what came to mind within a few seconds.  The blessings in my life always outweigh the bad, and that's when I see the grace and mercy that God has provided.  The truth is God NEVER gives you more than you can bear; it says so in His Word.  

The second song was written by a man who lost his entire family to a sunken ship.  In fact, he wrote the song in the very place that the died.  Have you ever listened to the words? "When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well with my soul, it is well with my soul". That gives me chill bumps.  When you have a good, decent, or sucky day, it should be well with your soul.  Be thankful for what you have, focus on your blessings rather than your hurts, and everything will truly be well with your soul.  To God be the Glory.

Unanswered

Yesterday, I heard what I've heard several times before, the simple yet piercing words, "I don't know."  Even though they have been said by every doctor, the meaning of these words shatter any hope of a cure for me.

I had another appointment with the surgeon and he suggested that I have an EGD to spot the source of my ongoing problem.  (An EGD is where the surgeon runs a tiny light/camera that scopes your esophagus and stomach.  I'd had one in 2007, but because it had been  close to three years since that procedure, we were hoping to see the mechanical evidence of progression.)

Yesterday, was that procedure.  I expected for everything to turn out normal, everything always does in my case.  But there's still that hope that my condition will at least be diagnosed.

When I awakened from the procedure, I, in a daze, heard the surgeon explain that he found nothing to explain my condition.  In fact he discovered that despite my vomiting everyday for a year, there was not even a trace of any acid irritation to be found.  He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and simply said, "I don't know.  There's nothing else that I know to do."

As soon as he left the room, I turned my head away from my parents and cried uncontrollably. I have prayed for three years for at least an answer to my undiagnosed illness, but the only answer I ever receive is "normal" and "I don't know".  How can chronic nausea and vomiting be normal?  To science and doctors, my body shows no sign of the illness other than weight loss. But even that isn't terribly severe.  Sometimes I wonder if it's all in my head.  But after each thirty minute bout with vomiting, I know that can't be the case.  Why doesn't God just tell me what's wrong?  I'm not even praying for a cure any more, just a name to my nameless disease.

Yesterday, I revealed my frustrations to God.  And over the course of several hours, He revealed some wisdom to me.  Trusting God doesn't require explanations and answers on His part because then I would be exercising my faith in Him.  Faith is taking that step even when you can't see the ground in front of you.  What if there is no ground?  What if I fall?  These doubts are okay to feel, but don't let them hold you back.  Trust God to lead you were there is ground and to catch you when you fall.  The fact the science cannot find the impact this disease has had on my in my body is evidence of God's protection over me.  God wants me to see that He alone is the Great Physician, and that He has me in the palm of His hand.  He is using my undiagnosed illness to refine me, strengthen me, and for so many more reasons that I cannot imagine.  Though I don't always like God's current plan for my life, I will continue to trust Him and walk on unseen ground.  Answers aren't want I need, but rather acceptance of His will.

My Latest Adventure

Well I have officially recovered from my first surgery!  I had exploratory surgery last week, which is fun to tell people because so impressive.  I have always been an admirer of battle scars, those infamous wounds awarded from scraped knees, sports injuries, or just plain clumsy accidents.  Exploratory surgery sounded like it would award my with a very nice scar to show off. Or so I thought. 

My surgeon explained the procedure to me like this: "Okay, what we're going to do is cut a small incision in your belly button and insert a camera to poke around and take pictures to see if we can spot the problem." (At this juncture, we were all determined that is was my gallbladder acting the fool.) 

"Sounds good, Doc," I said. "Do you think I'll be able to go to work that afternoon?" I LOVE going to work.  I LOVE being a teacher.  It gives me so much purpose, plus nothing beats some good hugs from some sweet students when I'm having a bad day.  I never want to miss an opportunity to teach.

"Umm..sure.  I think so.  It really will just depend on how you feel.  Just don't let the kids hug you too hard," he replied.

So two days later, I was in the most attractive, oversized hospital gown, wearing nothing but my birthday suit on one of the coldest days of the season.  Lovely mental image huh? At least I had shaved my legs.

After a couple of attempts to insert an IV into my very coldly contracted veins, I was ready to go.  The last thing I remember before I was officially out of this world, was laying on a cold table because no one knows how to crank up the heat like I do apparently, and looking at the light above me.  I was at peace. No biggie. God's got everything under control.

I woke up, or at least attempted to, several times back in my hospital room.  Wow..my shoulder was killing me.  See, Doc left out a lil detail about the procedure; it seems they fill you up with some sort of gas so they can see better and what not, but the gas has to escape the body somehow.  And why the gas has to choose the shoulder as an escape route when there are so many other portholes so readily available still remains a mystery to me.

In pain, but anxious to leave so I could go hope, I change out of my lovely attire into my civilian clothes.  During this process, I noticed a large rectangular bandage covering my entire stomach. Huh. Must have been quite the lofty procedure. My pain is justified.

As soon as I arrived home, I suffered from some minor suffocation as that cursed gas traveled to my chest and made inhalation unbearable.  The darn stuff kept me from my kids for two days!  That and the fact that I had this monstrous bandage on my belly.  And whatever it was covering, was extremely sore.

A couple of days later, I am so excited to remove that huge bandage so that I could witness the carnage beneath it.  See, my inner kids was aching for an impressive battle scar.  I quickly peel it off to reveal to small holes, one in my belly button as promised and one a little higher up, both only 2 stitches long.  That's it..I'm officially a weenie.  I was ashamed to complain about any pain anymore.  Those pathetic holes would be forgotten a week after removal.  Dang.

Haha! My family and I have laughed about that since the unveiling. God has a sense of humor, and He wants you to smile as part of your healing process.  As usual, the surgery showed no glimmer of a problem and so I'm left once again without any answers.  However, God has the diagnosis to my undiagnosed illness, and I know that if He choses to reveal it to the physicians it will be in perfect timing, not too late.  Trust God no matter what you're going through.  Even when all odds are against you, keep the faith.  And never forget to exercise that sense of humor. Laugh as often as you can, it will get you through the day.

Can't Believe that My Blog Made It to Facebook

Haha! I totally wrote this blog really late one night intending to delete it the next day! Somehow it made it to facebook, which just shows how technologically challenged I am! :-)  I truly appreciate the support that from those who have read it! Since it's already out there, I guess it's too late to delete it now!

I hope that in continuing this blog the trials I have been through will help someone else out there.  Everyone has their own storms in their life.  An undiagnosed illness is mine.  I once read, "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."  I can't express how true that is.  In order to overcome any battles in your life, you must not simply ride the storm out, but rather find a way to persevere through it.

Many days I don't ever won't to be cured of this illness because I have learned so much by experiencing this!  In a way, that's how you need to approach storms in your life.  Count your blessings even while your boat is being rocked, praise God even though you're seasick, seek after righteousness even when you can't see your way.  

One of my new favorite Bible verses is "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they will be filled." Matthew 5:7  God was able to use my situation to bring this verse home to me.  See I know what it's like to be so hungry your stomach painfully cramps, and so dehydrated after throwing up.  That is the word picture that the disciples were trying to paint.  The best thing about this verse is that one day, I will be full.  No matter what you're going through hunger and thirst after God like never before and you will be filled in His perfect time!