Hey God

God, I haven't talked to you in so long, mostly because I feel I have nothing to say.  I know that's no excuse.  I'm so scared.  I'm scared of what my life is going to be like. I'm scared that I'll never get better and that I'm going to give up on You and everything else in my life.  I hate to be a pessimist, but I truly feel that I am never going to get the relief I need from this pacer.  God, the surgery was hell, and I just feel sicker and sicker everyday.  Honestly, once the surgery was over, I was determined that I myself was going to get through this, to grit my teeth and bear it; Ha! As always, when I take You out of the equation, I fall flat on my face every time.  I am so thankful that you have patience with me.  I guess I wanted to push myself through this disease because I feel like You're not around to help.  Which is so dumb, I know. I'm so embarrassed with what a stupid sinner I am.  I think I would have given up on me a long time ago if I were You.  But You always find a way to bring me back.  I'm so sorry I've abandoned You.  I'm just like a three year old in my faith, throwing a tantrum when things don't go my way.  When I felt so much pain during the surgery and when I kept getting no results with the pacer, I should have turned to You for guidance and support.  Instead, however, I reacted like it was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I gave up on You, and like a child, I sat down in my faith again, when You're right in front of me, like always, with Your arms wide open, waiting for me to walk to You.  God, I'm so tired of feeling hopeless.  If I never get better, then I need You more than ever to show me how to deal with it so that Your light can shine through me.  I know You have a purpose for my life, and I'm officially done coping on my own, because all it does is screw up Your plans.  Please forgive my weakness, God.  Set me straight in You once again.  I'm thankful for my stubbornness, but teach me to be stubborn for You, to seek after You when the odds seem to be against me.  Teach me never to give up again.  I'm tired of fighting to survive each day, but that's because I've been fighting without You.  I'm going to rest in You, and let You carry me through each day.  Oh! I am so grateful to You for allowing me to see where I mess up and giving me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and come back to You.  You truly are Grace because You give me what I don't deserve.  Saying I love You sounds so...incomplete.  Teach me how to love You fully.  Thank You for listening, and giving me little blessings that let me know You are still there, even when I am miles away.  Help me to be strong for my family God, and no longer a burden.  Show me what to do, and how to live my life.  I'm excited about restoring my relationship with You! I feel braver already because I know that You're with me on this hard journey.  I'm ready to stand up in my faith and take that first shaky baby step towards You!