A Silversmith in the Storm

I had two affirming messages from God yesterday.  Well I suppose it was just one message plus confirmation.  It was about what do when life is the "pits" (Psalm 40:1-3). Life since we've been back from our summer trip has been tough, and not just because I miss the mountains.  I've been sicker than normal.  I face more severe nausea (which I can't believe is possible), intense back pain, horrible swelling in my abdomen, and relentless hunger for food.  It sounds dramatic, but it's true.  If I've ever come close to giving up, it may be now.  I'm so tired of doctors.  I've figured out that I'm in this medical limbo where I'm too sick to function normally, but too well to show up unusual by clinical standards.  I think that is what is the toughest for me.  I fight an invisible disease everyday, and I know it's there, though no one can see it to help me.  I often hear, "You certainly don't look sick," or even, "Hey, wanna grab a bite! You don't have to eat! Just hang out while we do," right after sharing my testimony.  It feels like no one understands the pain I'm going through, because it is very real. I put on my mask so well that no one knows how I want to throw up while sitting in class, or how I think & dream about food every minute of every day, or how I spend sleepless nights in the recliner week after week.  No one knows that when I suddenly walk out of the room, it's to sit down & have a good cry before I can face people again.  If friends & family don't fully understand this, how can a science based medical doctor know this? All he can do is read my chart & say, "I don't know what's causing this.  Your results are normal." I've given up on doctors and ever finding a cure.  I believe that this is going to be my life, and that thought scares me.

God knows what I'm feeling.  In fact, He knows me so well that he knew my doubts before me, and He brought them to my attention yesterday t church.  I've learned that even of you feel like you can't go to service, make yourself anyway & expect to hear from God, it has always worked for me.  Last night, I got to hear the mostly Godly man I know preach, my dad.  He read Mark 4:35-41, and explained how Jesus called the storm while the disciples were fearing for their lives.  He openly shared how my illness distresses him as a father, and how he is in the midst of a storm.  He also reminded me of how to relate storms to a silversmith.  In order to purify silver, he must heat it, and let the impurities rise to the surface so that he can rake them off.  He repeats this process over and over again until he sees a perfect reflection of himself in the silver.  The heat itself must be just right; if it's too cool, the silver will harden, & if it's to hot, the silver will ruin.  While I'm in this storm, Christ is increasing the intensity or heat so that He can remove any impurities.  I feel like He's removing my doubt so that my faith with not be hindered.  I am eternally grateful to Him for that because I will have  better relationship with Him as a result. God is my silversmith, I hope He continues to purify me when I go through storms so that I will strengthened in my walk with Him.  For the rest of my life, I pray that I have the strength to endure the heat so that I may die one day resembling Jesus.

Restoration

Anyone who doesn't believe in God obviously has never been to the mountains.  You can see His majestic work in their snow-capped peaks.  You can feel His peace in the open, green valleys.  You can sense His power in the movement of the rivers. 

My family (including Gatlin) and I just returned from a nine day trip out West.  We flew into Rapid City, South Dakota and proceeded to visit parts of Montana, Yellowstone, and the Grand Teton National Parks in Wyoming.  One of the highlights of my trip was attending the Fourth of July Powwow on the Northern Cheyenne Reservation in Lame Deer, Montana.  I really wanted to witness this event for further guidance on understanding what God's plans are for my life.  Seeing the children in their native regalia was confirmation enough for me!  I am certain that God wants me to teach the children on this reservation, but I am still uncertain how He wants me to go about it.  Does He want me to teach summers only? Or perhaps be there all year long? And if so, will I retire there?  So many unanswered questions, as always.  I have learned that when it comes to God, be patient.  He likes to reveal His plan one piece at a time, so that the puzzle can only be solved when everything fits together perfectly.

Kids and critters, God knows what I love.  On our trip we saw: a pack of wolves, a grizzly bear, a black bear, plenty of buffalo, bull elk, 3 moose, at least 9 bald eagles, and lots of big-eared mule deer!  I took an abundance of pictures!  The beauty of the landscape, however, can never truly be captured.

This trip was EXACTLY what I needed.  I needed restoration.  My soul was weak and weary, and this experience was the pick-me-up that I hungered for.  I feel more at peace, and I feel that I have something to look forward to.  Before my trip, everyday I would think with exhaustion "I have such a long life ahead of me.  I long life of battling this illness, and I'm already tired." God gave me the rest I needed.  He allowed me to go away with my family for a few days to my haven, Montana.  I feel refreshed, still sick, but I don't feel as emotionally tired. Although I may need a vacation from my vacation, I had way too much fun!

Thank you, God, for allowing us to take this trip! Thank you for keeping us safe and giving us such a good time! I can't wait to go back!!! Give me guidance on the next step to take regarding the Northern Cheyenne.  I want to be obedient to Your word.  I love You, and thank you for Your endless blessings!