But anyway, I'm watching Field of Dreams, a movie about a man who plows up his corn crop to build a baseball field. I never realized how I can kinda relate to the main character, Ray Kinsella. Ray had a wonderful life, he was a successful farmer with an amazing wife and daughter. Then while working in his field one day, he hears a voice declaring, "If you build it, he will come". Quite the nonspecific declaration. Ray struggles for days trying to understand what the voice means. He becomes frustrated, and wants to give up, but suddenly he has a vision of a baseball field in the middle of his cornfield. And there in the outfield, he can see Shoeless Joe Jackson, a legendary ball player who died in 1951. Joe was hero to Ray's father, and Ray is convinced that he is supposed to build the field so that Joe can come back and play.
Before I got sick, I was successfully "working in my cornfield". I was being obedient to God; in fact, I felt that my relationship with Him had never been stronger. God had called me to play softball to be a witness on the team, and I was good at it. The other girls looked to me for encouragement and guidance. Then one day after practice, I felt sick, and my whole life changed. God plowed up my cornfield, and I searched for weeks, looking for an answer as to why. But God doesn't give answers away, He requires faith, perseverance.
As the movie unfolds, Ray faces foreclosure on his farm due to the loss of crops resulting from the baseball field. Shoeless Joe does come to play ball on the field, but no one can see him but the Kinsella family. Ray knows the field is a blessing, but he struggles with it the whole movie, because he can't see its true purpose until the end. In the last scene, Ray sees his dead father, as a young baseball player on the field. Ray's last words to his father were harsh, and they had not spoken since. Ray and his father are able to play catch again, and the relationship is restored.
Much like the voice in the movie, God has led me through this journey step-by-step, with not much explanation. Ray exclaims, "I have built this field without understanding and explanation, but I did it anyway! And I want to know, what's in it for me?" Sometimes I feel the same way. "God, I have trusted You with this illness. I have accepted You plowing up my corn to put in a baseball field. I don't see it's purpose. Everything in my life seems to be trying to foreclose around me. What's in it for me? I'm tired of suffering." But I keep my faith. No one else can see my pain, can truly know my struggles, and I can't seem to see the outcome of this illness. I realize now that I tend to sit in the dugout, not wanting to take a risk, not willing to step out onto the diamond and face the disease. There's a quote that I have always loved, "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". But I haven't really tried playing the game because I am terrified of striking out. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to let this illness be a witness for others. I'm scared of being a disappointment. I'm scared I don't have what it takes to survive this thing. I'm so sick and so discouraged. But then I'm reminded that God put this ball field in the middle of my corn! He chose me! He knows the plans He has for me, and their plans to prosper me, and to bring me a future, not to tear me down. He has given me wonderful teammates composed of family and dear friends that will encourage me when I'm up to bat, facing the illness head on. I don't need to let the fear of striking out keep me from giving my all to God. I need to step out of the dugout and onto the field, and put my full trust in God. Play a game of catch with Him, talk to Him and listen to what coaching advice He has so that when I come to the plate, I will have enough confidence to swing and not miss. I don't know how many innings this illness has in store for me. But I want to play it out, and not just sit in the dugout feeling sorry for myself. By fearfully, yet trustingly, stepping to the plate, there may be other players who can be inspired to play the game too. When I get a bad report from the doctor or am so sick I can barely walk, I must not let that strike discourage me. I need to persevere, grit my teeth, say a prayer, and swing again. God, forgive my cowardice in You and Your plan. But I trust You fully, and am humbled that You have chosen me to suffer through this. I am not praying for the game to end, I'm just praying for the strength and courage to keep playing. Thank you so much for the support You have given me through friends and family. I am truly blessed. So God...I'm ready to play ball!
