A Silversmith in the Storm

I had two affirming messages from God yesterday.  Well I suppose it was just one message plus confirmation.  It was about what do when life is the "pits" (Psalm 40:1-3). Life since we've been back from our summer trip has been tough, and not just because I miss the mountains.  I've been sicker than normal.  I face more severe nausea (which I can't believe is possible), intense back pain, horrible swelling in my abdomen, and relentless hunger for food.  It sounds dramatic, but it's true.  If I've ever come close to giving up, it may be now.  I'm so tired of doctors.  I've figured out that I'm in this medical limbo where I'm too sick to function normally, but too well to show up unusual by clinical standards.  I think that is what is the toughest for me.  I fight an invisible disease everyday, and I know it's there, though no one can see it to help me.  I often hear, "You certainly don't look sick," or even, "Hey, wanna grab a bite! You don't have to eat! Just hang out while we do," right after sharing my testimony.  It feels like no one understands the pain I'm going through, because it is very real. I put on my mask so well that no one knows how I want to throw up while sitting in class, or how I think & dream about food every minute of every day, or how I spend sleepless nights in the recliner week after week.  No one knows that when I suddenly walk out of the room, it's to sit down & have a good cry before I can face people again.  If friends & family don't fully understand this, how can a science based medical doctor know this? All he can do is read my chart & say, "I don't know what's causing this.  Your results are normal." I've given up on doctors and ever finding a cure.  I believe that this is going to be my life, and that thought scares me.

God knows what I'm feeling.  In fact, He knows me so well that he knew my doubts before me, and He brought them to my attention yesterday t church.  I've learned that even of you feel like you can't go to service, make yourself anyway & expect to hear from God, it has always worked for me.  Last night, I got to hear the mostly Godly man I know preach, my dad.  He read Mark 4:35-41, and explained how Jesus called the storm while the disciples were fearing for their lives.  He openly shared how my illness distresses him as a father, and how he is in the midst of a storm.  He also reminded me of how to relate storms to a silversmith.  In order to purify silver, he must heat it, and let the impurities rise to the surface so that he can rake them off.  He repeats this process over and over again until he sees a perfect reflection of himself in the silver.  The heat itself must be just right; if it's too cool, the silver will harden, & if it's to hot, the silver will ruin.  While I'm in this storm, Christ is increasing the intensity or heat so that He can remove any impurities.  I feel like He's removing my doubt so that my faith with not be hindered.  I am eternally grateful to Him for that because I will have  better relationship with Him as a result. God is my silversmith, I hope He continues to purify me when I go through storms so that I will strengthened in my walk with Him.  For the rest of my life, I pray that I have the strength to endure the heat so that I may die one day resembling Jesus.

Restoration

Anyone who doesn't believe in God obviously has never been to the mountains.  You can see His majestic work in their snow-capped peaks.  You can feel His peace in the open, green valleys.  You can sense His power in the movement of the rivers. 

My family (including Gatlin) and I just returned from a nine day trip out West.  We flew into Rapid City, South Dakota and proceeded to visit parts of Montana, Yellowstone, and the Grand Teton National Parks in Wyoming.  One of the highlights of my trip was attending the Fourth of July Powwow on the Northern Cheyenne Reservation in Lame Deer, Montana.  I really wanted to witness this event for further guidance on understanding what God's plans are for my life.  Seeing the children in their native regalia was confirmation enough for me!  I am certain that God wants me to teach the children on this reservation, but I am still uncertain how He wants me to go about it.  Does He want me to teach summers only? Or perhaps be there all year long? And if so, will I retire there?  So many unanswered questions, as always.  I have learned that when it comes to God, be patient.  He likes to reveal His plan one piece at a time, so that the puzzle can only be solved when everything fits together perfectly.

Kids and critters, God knows what I love.  On our trip we saw: a pack of wolves, a grizzly bear, a black bear, plenty of buffalo, bull elk, 3 moose, at least 9 bald eagles, and lots of big-eared mule deer!  I took an abundance of pictures!  The beauty of the landscape, however, can never truly be captured.

This trip was EXACTLY what I needed.  I needed restoration.  My soul was weak and weary, and this experience was the pick-me-up that I hungered for.  I feel more at peace, and I feel that I have something to look forward to.  Before my trip, everyday I would think with exhaustion "I have such a long life ahead of me.  I long life of battling this illness, and I'm already tired." God gave me the rest I needed.  He allowed me to go away with my family for a few days to my haven, Montana.  I feel refreshed, still sick, but I don't feel as emotionally tired. Although I may need a vacation from my vacation, I had way too much fun!

Thank you, God, for allowing us to take this trip! Thank you for keeping us safe and giving us such a good time! I can't wait to go back!!! Give me guidance on the next step to take regarding the Northern Cheyenne.  I want to be obedient to Your word.  I love You, and thank you for Your endless blessings!

Naomi

God works in mysterious ways, but not always. Sometimes He's just out in the open, wanting you to see what He has in store for you. Today God was out in the open, obvious, for me. For several long days, I have been sicker than usual. I'm intensely nauseated that I can't function. It keeps me up at night, and I spend lots of painful hours trapped in my bathroom. I cry each day and curl up in a little tight ball, hoping that sleep will finally overcome the suffering so I can get some brief relief. I'm discouraged and I needed God to send me encouragement more tangible than a verse.

As always, God knows my every need. He hears each tear that falls. He knows how frail my heart is, the pain I'm in. He, indeed, knows me all too well.

I'd spent the past couple of hours in my bathroom, curled up by "Jon," and was in desperate need of some fresh air. As soon as Mom came home from work, she agreed to accompany me on a bike ride through our neighborhood. She had just purchased a bubblegum pink one speed bicycle and was eager to try it out. She looked just like a school girl pedaling down the road, and my spirits were already lifting.

As we continued traveling down a county road, we saw a dog off in the distance. When we approached, we saw that it was a German Shepherd, sprinkled with some other breed. She was a puppy, small, frail, and bony. She also had a wound tracing her backbone. Despite her harsh condition, her sweet, flop-eared face seemed to smile at us.

God knows me all too well. Last summer, when I felt overwhelmed by my illness, God, without warning, sent five kittens to me. The mother gave birth in our hallway and I kept her and the babies in a box under my bed. I would cuddle them when I was ill. I kept one kitten, Rascal, who was the most defective of them all, with her numb of a tail. She knows about my condition and lays by my side nearly every time I throw up. That was God.

God knows that when I'm down, I need to focus my energy in something. Children and animals speak to me the most. School's out, so God had to choose the latter. Seeing the puppy starving, I immediately could relate. I didn't have to ask permission to bring her home, Mom knew what I wanted. I named her Naomi, for "my people shall be her people."

Naomi has eaten a good meal, and has had plenty to drink. She's safe and loved. She's a gift to me from God. God wanted me to know that even though I am sick and suffering, there is hope for me. Even though Naomi has been dealt a bad hand, she wags her tail and hopes for the best. I was reminded that I need to persevere, and never lose hope. Even though she is sick now, Naomi will get better. I am thankful to God for sending me Naomi, she's just the encouragement I needed. When I'm feeling sick, I can focus on getting Naomi better. Thank you, God, for knowing me and listening to my prayers. You know just how to keep me on my feet!

Note: Upon further review, it had been noted that Naomi is not a girl, but a boy instead. His name is Raylan, and he is an official member of the Collier household. He is doing much better, though he may have a scar on his back reminding both us & him the situation from which God delivered him.

Word of God Speak

It's been a while since I have been able to blog, mostly because when you live out in the boondocks you have to take what you can get with the available high-speed internet. I've had a l0t on my mind, and no good way to actually express my feelings with words. However, I will give it my best shot.

I feel like I'm getting worse and worse, which makes me feel rather lethargic, a fact which I am ashamed to say. I really just wanna stay in my pjs, curl up in my recliner bed, and watch pointless tv. I hate that I feel this way because my grandmamas get out in their yards and work no matter how they feel. If they're tough, then maybe I'm not. I'm simply tired. I'm not giving up, but I'm not trying either. I'm at a standstill. That's a yucky position to be in, especially spiritually.

Lately, I've been too sick to sleep, let alone stay asleep, so I've had some long nights really some extra pointless tv. However, one late night, I decided to confront my idleness. And I was honest with God. Since my internet was down ,I journaled: God feels a million miles away from me. But I know that it's me that's moved, not God. I haven't talked to him in a while, I honestly don't know what to say to Him. I'm so sick and tired, and I just don't know what to say. But I want to restore my relationship with Him; I must get it right.
God, speak to me again! I don't know what to do without You! I want You to be the one to guide my steps, to direct my path. I am nothing, but You, You are everything!

I keep trying to make this illness all about me. It's not. It's about what God can do through me. I get discouraged because maintaining a relationship with God is difficult, especially when I wanna do is, well, nothing. But I need to speak to God, and use His strength rather than my own to survive. He's my Provider, He'll give me exactly what I need.

I've learned a lot through my sleepless nights, and not just that there's nothing good on at 3 in the morning. God's up at 3 right along with me, He never sleeps, and He never leaves me. Instead of self-soothing, I need to rest in the comforting arms of my Heavenly Father, let Him carry my burden a while. I have found that the best way to lighten my load and find encouragement is through His Word. I have found several verses that help keep me close to God.

Discouragement
Sometimes I feel discouraged, with me, with God, with my situations. Here is some hope to help overcome this feeling.

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember Your kindness.
Psalm 42:6

Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again-my savior and my God!
Psalm 42:5

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I am holding you by your right hand-I, the Lord God. And I say to you, 'Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.'
Isaiah 41:13 (I love the image of God holding my hand when I read this passage.)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For out momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out-weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Perseverance
To pesevere by definition means to constantly refuse to give up or let go in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose. Ooh! I love that definition. That's why I named this blog "Perseverance," I refuse to give up. These verses encourage my refusal.

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
James 1:2-4 (This excites me! My trials, as long as I am patient with God and persevere, will mold me into the likeness of Christ!)

But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.
Psalm 37:7 (This simple verse has helped me to realize that when God does not answer my prayers, I must be patient and persitent. I will continue to seek Him and wait for Him to show up.)

Writing and organizing my thoughts in this blog helps to heal my spirit and recognize God in the midst of my despair. God has everything under control. I will maintain my faith in who He is, and know that as long as I persevere I will make it through this, hopefully more like Christ.

Finding the Purpose in Mosquitos

I wish that we didn't have to eat to live.  I mean like about all the problems that would end if we simply took food out of the picture.  There would be no more world hunger, no more babies with empty tummies, certainly no more obesity, and definitely no more digestive problems.  What if we could just live totally off air? Or better yet, what if feeding on the Word of God fed our earthly bodies as well? Unfortunately that wasn't part of His Master Plan, and something tells me that He's much better at creating the world than I could ever be.  It's just like when I was little, and covered with itchy mosquito bites, would say, "What is a mosquito's purpose anyway? They don't do anything! Except bite everybody and make 'em scratch!" Mom would remind me that birds, along with spiders and frogs, eat mosquitos for dinner, and if God never made them, it would mess the balance of life for them up. Although still feeling like those critters could just adjust their menus, I suppose she has a point.  In a lot of ways, I feel like my illness is similar to a pesky mosquito: it's seemingly pointless, frustrating, and much like that insect, I wanna pop after I eat.

The popping after I eat is what is really discouraging to me.  For almost 2 weeks, my stomach swells so much that I look like I could be 5 to 6 months pregnant.  The pain and discomfort of my protruding abdomen can be unbearable at times, (that's my inner weenie talking), and when the swelling goes down I have all this sagging excess skin hanging around, waiting to be filled once again.  Okay pesky mosquito, what is your purpose?! Typing this now my stomach is so swollen, the pain makes me want to scream! I can live with being nauseated everyday, but not this too, not on top of everything else. I wish He could just make it go away! And He will, I know without ANY doubt, I just may not be thrilled with His timing.

I think what I struggle with the most is the hunger, the food appeal.  I swear that I have the eating habits of a teenage boy! I eat all the time, and it's whatever I can get my hands on. I think it's instinctive. I see food, my body says, "You need it. Eat. All. Now." And so I eat like I'm starving, which sometimes I am.  But I enter a vicious cycle of eat, throw up, eat, throw up, with a lot of miserables along the way. Sometimes I just want to try a strictly liquid diet and just add protein powder and vitamins in the mix, but my body won't let me! I feel so helpless.  I get SO tired of hanging my head over a toilet everyday.  I have estimated that over the past year and 2 months I have spent well over 500 hours throwing up. I have not been blessed with a quick and wonderful gag reflex, and sometimes my conversations with "jon" take anywhere from 30 min to an hour, and I can have up to 3 or 4 separate conversations in one bad day.  I tend to have more bad days than good. I wish I didn't have to eat then maybe I wouldn't have to throw up.  I can cope with being nauseated everyday. But dreaming about it, smelling it, seeing it on tvs & countertops sure makes food of any kind hard to resist.  And the constant hunger pains remind me of just how desperate I am for it. Not a moment seems to go by that I don't think of food, and dreading the fact of what just a few bites can do.

Remember, this blog is a way for me to vent my frustrations, I'm really not a pessimist.  Believe it or not, I'm actually happy. But I'm also very sick, and it seems to define my whole life. It defines my mood, my diet, my activities, my relationships, my struggles.  It's amazing what a little nausea can do to your life.  In what I've said, I've noticed one big mistake, I've let the illness define my life rather than Christ.  It should be Christ I dwell on, and Him that I center my life around. God, forgive my weakness! Help me to overcome the pain in my life, and teach me to let You be my focus rather than my illness. I'm honest when I say that this is extremely easier said than done. When my stomach is this swollen and I've been vomiting for an hour, I admit that my thoughts don't turn to God, but rather my miserable situation and a nap. God, thank You so much for pointing out my short comings.  I humbly and earnestly ask for You to point out the right path for me to take.  I need Your strength to turn my battered thoughts to beautiful meditations of You.  God, help me! I need Your help to get through tonight.  Help me to fight the "mosquitos" in my life so that I can see their purpose! Thank You for allowing this illness into my life so that it may sharpen me spiritually. Now I ask that You aid me in carrying this load.  I want You to be the center of my life.

Struggles

I'm up past my bedtime, as always, with a lot on my mind.  Lately I have been struggling with my illness, which is nothing new, but it's been more difficult on me for some reason.  Probably because I'm getting a little worse.  My latest symptom is severe pain everywhere as well as skin sensitivity everywhere.  My toes hurt, my scalp hurts, I think that even my pinky hurts,  a rather accurate exaggeration.  It's discouraging, but I don't think that is the main reason that I'm struggling. 

I'm angry and that's why I'm struggling.  I'm not mad at God, never.  He's my Deliverer in all this.  No that's not why I'm angry....I think I'm angry at myself.  So angry in fact that it makes my blood boil and I wanna scream just like a heated kettle on a stove.  I feel like all I do is cry and complain.  I feel that my illness is not that severe, that I'm just being dramatic.  There are people my age with cancer and debilitating diseases, and here I am, crying about feeling bad.  Granted, it's a miserable feeling, but I'm functioning.  I continue to work, go to school, make good grades, do chores, shop, go to the movies.  I mean, why can't I stop crying?!

I'm angry because I feel like I am not strong enough.  I'm not strong enough to smile when I'm sick or put a brave face on for my parents.  I'm ashamed at just how weak I really am.  Sounds like my pride is angry because it has been hurt. I'm the only sick one in my family; my great-grandmother can out work me.  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.  I'm angry with myself, with my weakness, my complaints, my tears.  I feel like they are not justified.

I'm trying to remember if I cried this much when I was better.....I don't actually remember what I was like before I was sick.  This whole illness has redefined my entire life.  But I do remember that I was always sensitive, I mean the first time I ever saw Meet the Parents I cried because I felt bad for Ben Stiller's character!  So maybe I'd cry the same amount if I was better, I'm just a sensitive soul. But what about my complaints?  I'd like to think I wasn't much of a complainer, but then again, I really don't remember, and neither does my mom.  I do remember that I was always healthy, never sick, and never nauseated.  Hmm...I wonder what that felt like.  I can't remember.

I guess I don't want to go back in time 3 years and not be sick.  Then I wouldn't know as much as I do now.  But I am worn out, unjustly so I feel.  I guess really and truly I want God to be proud of me.  I want him to be proud of the way I'm handling this illness, that I'm learning all that He teaches me.  But I honestly don't feel that way.  Many times I don't feel Him at all, probably because of my stupid self-reliance rather than my God-reliance.

God, I need Your help so bad.  I feel like a lost fish struggling in the net of discouragement and disappointment.  God, I am so disappointed with myself, with my pessimistic attitude and with my selfish tears.  I know that crying is a way that You allow our emotional wounds to heal.  Help me to recognize those wounds in others though, so that I may shed tears from prayer and compassion for them, rather than focusing all of that energy on me.  I hope you are not too terribly disappointed in me.  I just need to rely on You, which I confess is easier said than done.  Help me to truly understand how to rely on You so that I can really trust Your will and Your ways.  Help me to be strong for my family, and give them more strength than You give me, they deserve it.  Thank You for listening to my rants as well as my prayers.  You are everything I need.  I know that.  Now help me to live that, everyday.  I love You, God.  Thank You for all Your blessings.

A Dedicated Fan

My students are knee-deep in baseball season. Every afternoon they seem to either have a game or practice one, and then the next day they are eager to report back to me how well they played. They always ask me the same question, "Miss Stephanie, can you come to my game?" Of course, they tend to invite me the day of their game and so with that little warning I usually am not prepared to go.

However, Monday afternoon when a group of my little boys begged me to come, saying that the game was on a field just next to the school, and that it started at 6 so I could go straight there from work, I consented. I decided on a whim, despite pressing homework, to attend their game.
And might I say that kindergarten and first-graders are mighty cute swinging their bats, sliding into bases, and trying to catch fly balls. I cheered for my 5 boys that were playing, and after the game I recieved huge hugs and "did you see"s!

There my work was done. I finally attended thier game, and I wouldn't have to worry myself with making another one, or so I thought. The very next day, another boy asked me if I could come to his game that night. Unlike the other kids, he played on a little league team in a neighboring city, which is alomost 30 minutes away. I get tired easily, and I came to work sicker than normal. I knew I wouldn't have the stength. " I just don't know if I can..."

"Please, Miss Stephanie," he asked.  Well that did it. This particular little boy is an energetic first-grader who comes from a broken home. There for a while his dad was unable to even pick him up from Extended Day because of the restraining order against him. He is sweet, but gives the teachers several discipline problems. His language and demeanor is not often like that of a seven year old boy. However, he always adresses me with "yes ma'm," and he cries easily. It seems that sometimes he just is a little lost in the world.

When I saw the look in his face when he asked, I knew that I should go to his game, no matter how bad I felt. For him, I would go. I wanted to let him know that I would be there for him, and that he could count on me. "Okay, I think I can make it. But I'm just gonna let you know that I intend to yell real loud for you, and I might embarrass you in front of all your teammates."

He smiled and said, "Ah! Miss Stephanie!"

Gatlin, who very generously agreed to go with me, and I made to the game right before it started. His grandfather, who usually picks this little boy up, waved at us and let us sit with them. His mom looked at me and said, "The first thing he said when he saw me was that Miss Stephanie was going to try to come to his game. You're all he's been talking about. Let me go tell him you're here." She walked over to the dugout, whispered in his ear, and his face lit up as I saw him scanning the bleachers for me. I smiled and waved, already comforted to know that I had made the right choice in coming.

He played a great game. He hit a homerun, caught several outs, and ran like cheetah around the bases. He's going to grow up to be an amazing ball player. I probably will never know how much it meant to him to have me there. With all the inconsistencies in his life, right now for him I am a constant, someone he can trust to keep their word. I went to the game extremely sick, but as soon as I continued to cheer for him, I felt a divine peace come over me.

My prayer is that I never stop being obedient to the God's plans just because I don't feel well, which is really easy to do. Just because I have an illness doesn't mean that God can't use me, and I hope that I never have that attitude. Thank you, God, for this child. I hope that I will always be there to support him in any way that I can, despite what I am going through. Thank you for using me when it seems that I am unusable and worthless. I hope that I am receptive to whatever else you may ask me to do.